The Boy I Knew

Regret

PJ sets both of our plates in the sink. I stand there contemplating how to politely tell him I want to get the hell out of here. He looks at me and smiles. I smile back, but it's small.

"Hey PJ could you maybe take me to my car....I'm not feeling very well." I say, making up an excuse so it doesn't look too obvious that I don't want to be here anymore. His face turns sympathetic as he looks at me.

"Yeah....Yeah I can take you back, you gonna be okay?" He asks me, putting a hand on my shoulder. As much I love him touching me, I just want to shake his hand off. I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't have given in. PJ tells his mom and sisters he'll be back. We are about to the door when Lemoyne comes walking up to me.

"It was good to see you Camille honey." She says with a warm smile as she pulls me into a hug. "Please try and talk to PJ. I'd love to see you more." She whispers in my ear as we hug. Such a sweet woman, she always has been. She pulls away and puts both hands on my cheeks and smiles. I nod at her and smile back. We say goodbye to everyone including PJ's dad, and walk out the door. We walk to PJ's car and I get in. I sit there and stare out the passenger window as PJ gets in. I can feel him staring at me as he starts the car, but I just ignore him. It's quiet as we make it across town to the bar. My phone buzzes. I look at it, I've gotten a few texts from Brandy:

"Hey whatcha doin? I'm coming over, I'm bored."

"You're not home?? Where the fuck are you??"

"Camille come on, where the fuck are you? Why aren't you answering me??"

"Oh my god, you stayed at PJ's last night didn't you!? 🤦🏻‍♀️🤮"

I roll my eyes and contemplate what to tell her. I know I need to answer her because she seems worried. I'm definitely not going to tell her what happened over text. Do I even tell her I'm with him? I decide to reply with, "I went to the grocery store. I'll be home in half an hour." Yeah, I lied. But I just have to tell her in person. I don't even know if I want to believe this myself. We pull into the bar parking lot, and PJ pulls in next to my car. I just look out the passenger window some more, I want to get out, but I can't just leave without saying anything. But I can't bring myself to talk. He's staring at me again. I feel a hand on my thigh.

"Mill?" He says softly. He knows something's up. The touch of his hand feels like it's burning a hole through my skin and I can't take it anymore. Without thinking I grab his hand and throw it off of my leg. He slowly pulls his hand back and looks at me in shock, a little hurt in his eyes. I instantly feel bad.

"Shit PJ, I'm-"

"What the fuck was that Camille? What's going on, what's your problem?" He says, some frustration in his voice. The "what's your problem" kinda stung a bit. I put my palms to my face out of embarrassment, and then push some hair out of my face as I look at him. I sigh as I try to find words. He stares at me, waiting for an answer.

"PJ I'm sorry, it's just...." I begin, but can't think of how to express how I'm feeling in words.

"It's just what? What happened? Everything was fine this morning. And last night was-"

"A mistake." I interrupt. And then I instantly regret what I said. It was a really harsh thing to say. Part of me was so happy about what happened, another part of me is ashamed. But hey, we all have had a one night stand or two, right? PJ looks at me, his lips quiver, then he looks down. I try to think of how to fix this. Because I didn't mean it. PJ's hands are in fists, I see the muscle of his jaw pulse as his jaw clenches, which is what he has always done when he gets angry.

"A mistake huh?" He says, his voice quivering. I feel horrible. That hurt him bad. I didn't mean to.

"No!! No, PJ I didn't mean that, I'm-"