The Boy I Knew

Decisions

It's quiet for a few seconds. PJ is staring at me.

"W, wait....What the fuck did you just say??" I say, eyes clenched shut, shaking my head out of confusion. I'm just trying to comprehend what he just said. He hasn't looked away from me. The look in his eyes is still soft and hopeful, but serious.

"Move to LA. Come live with me. Give me just a week and if you decide you don't like it, fine. I'll buy you another ticket to come back home and we'll go from there...."

He answers. I still can't believe it despite making him repeat it again. He keeps staring at me, waiting for an answer. All I can do is shake my head more and laugh, not because it's funny, but because I'm just shocked.

"Okay let me get this straight PJ....We just saw each other for the first time in over 15 years a week ago, slept together a couple times- Which by the way has been fucking amazing but just still confuses the fuck out of me as to what the hell your motives are- And you want ME, to move to LA, fucking LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA, to live with YOU....As if I didn't just ask you what the hell we're doing with whatever the fuck we have going on...." I ramble. PJ kinda smirked a little when I said the sex was amazing....And honestly I wasn't lying about that....We're both quiet for a few seconds. PJ looks down and shrugs.

"Well....You asked me what we were doing....So I figured to show you how serious I am about being with you, I'd offer you to come live with me....Shouldn't that answer your question about what we are?" He says softly. And I guess he has a point....PJ, in a weird, roundabout way, has a point....I guess. Looking at it from a man's standpoint....Wait, no Camille, what are you thinking?? It's insane, it's absolutely fucking insane.

"PJ I'm questioning what the hell we're doing with this situation and you want me to move in with you??"

"Yes!! Yes Camille, a million times over. I'm asking you to come live with me, that answers your question right?"

"I....I guess...."

"So yes?"

"No."

"No?"

"No, no....Not no"

PJ laughs and shakes his head.

"Well what the fuck is it then?"

We both sit there in silence again as I think about it.

"Well, that wasn't necessarily the response I was looking for....Especially when I'm not sure if I can trust what's going on....I mean I asked you for a reason. I'm nervous, I'm scared, I don't want to get hurt, and I'm supposed to trust the process and come live with you?"

PJ looks at me and melts. He looks down like I just told a child they couldn't have ice cream before supper.

"So you don't trust me....You think I'll hurt you...."

"No!! No PJ I trust you with my life. You'd never hurt me...."

"-Then why'd you say you don't want to get hurt"

PJ interrupts me, some frustration in his voice.

"I don't know!! Okay!? I don't know!! I've had bad luck with relationships in the past. I've been led on. I've been hurt...."

"-And what makes you think I'll ever do that to you, Camille??"

PJ interrupts me again, more anger in his voice.

"It's not you!! I have issues PJ, okay?? I'm not the happy, free spirited 17 year old girl you fell in love with okay?? I'm....I'm...."

I ramble, tears now rolling down my face. My chest gets heavy and I feel like I can't breathe. PJ looks up at me, anger escaping his face. He scoots closer to me and grabs my hand. I yank it away and he slowly pulls his hand back again.

"I'm fucked up."

I finally answer through my tears. PJ's brows furrow again out of sympathy for me.

"Camille, you never had it easy. But you are NOT fucked up. And I don't know what you've been through with relationships in the past, but you know me. You've been with me before, and now that we've worked through our past, we can move forward....Right?"

He's right. PJ was always there for me. He knows me inside and out. I nod my head.

"But you're famous now, how do I know you're still PJ?"

He chuckles a bit.

"Oh god, please don't call me famous." He says, and starts laughing harder. This actually makes me giggle.

"I make my money out of getting hit in the balls" He adds to it. We giggle for a bit. PJ catches his breath from laughing, and looks at me. He grabs my hand, and I let him take it.
"Look at me please, Mill"

He says softly. I slowly look up at him.

"Think about it for a bit. If you decide you want to, I'll buy you a ticket on my flight, immediately."

I look down and nod, thinking about it.

"I mean honestly Mill, what do you have here? A shitty bar tending job?"

That comment kind of upsets me, but maybe that's what I needed for a reality check. I mean, to be honest, I'm just living in Knoxville because it's my hometown and it's all I know. Well, and my best friend in this whole world lives here. It's not like I have anything else going for me. My parents dropped me when I was a kid. This could be my chance at a different life.

"I can't leave Brandy...."

I say quietly.

"Baby, Brandy can come visit whenever she wants. I'll buy her tickets there and back. Or you can come here. Whatever you want to do. You won't lose Brandy...."

I nod and keep looking down, thinking some more. That would be so nice of PJ.

"Think about it all you need. Take the rest of the night. I'll buy your ticket first thing in the morning if you decide you want to go....Hell, I'll wake up in the middle of the night and buy it, I don't care. Just think about it, alright. It's a big decision, I understand...."

I nod some more. PJ rubs my back, comforting me. I have a big decision to make, but he did say to just give it a week....I take a deep breath and lay down, putting my head in PJ's lap, and we continue to watch the movie.

After the movie is over, we're tired. It's now 11:00pm and PJ has to get up early to catch his flight tomorrow, so we decided to go to bed, even though I wanted to stay up all night since it was my last night with PJ. We walk to the bedroom and I turn the TV on and get into bed. I always sleep with the TV on. PJ strips down to his boxers and gets into bed beside me. I grabs me and pulls me over to him. I put an arm across his body, a leg across his legs, and lay my head on his smooth chest. We lay there and watch TV for a bit, waiting for sleep to take over.

"You know, Camille....I understand I sprung this big decision on you. But I want you to know, either way you decide, I'll still love you, I'll respect your decision, and we'll take baby steps. No pressure." PJ says in a deep, groggy voice, his eyes closed. I smile and nod my head against his chest.

"Okay"

"Okay" He says back.

"Goodnight PJ" I say into his chest.

"Goodnight Mill" He whispers softly, placing a soft kiss on the top of my head.

I still haven't made my decision. It seems like such a huge one to make, and in a way it is. But PJ said to just give it a week at first....So maybe it's worth trying, just to feel it out....