𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚍 𝚛𝚘𝚜𝚎

SHE'S NEVER GONNA SEE THE LIGHT

"And I just wanna show you
She don't even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible"
Song- Invisible by Taylor Swift

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Jealousy is the worst disease. It gives you a lack of confidence and makes you feel hopeless about yourself. Why am I jealous, when you're not even mine! And I can act normal and walk around but I see your face in every little thing. A face that once made me smile now makes me sad and hopeless! All I can do Is wish for you and long for you and makeup fantasies that would somehow sum up to reality. I planned on asking him about his job and I'm just too scared I would come off as being nosy. But Conor is not the type to judge people, especially me! For some reason, I feel like he has a soft spot for me. It was one thing I could clearly decipher from the convos we had! But I'm still not sure if it's the younger sister kinda thing. I hope it isn't!

Probably somewhat of friends....good friends...best friends or even something more!

After the fair, fortunately, we had many meetings. Either we bumped into each other or we visited each other's families for dinner. And tonight they're visiting again. Whenever we met as a family he just pulled me aside and we enter into our world. Joking about stuff that Laura wants to know so badly. After all, who wants to talk about grocery price increases. Conor was interested in it cause he had to be for someone in business school. At this point, I'm very terrified of rejection. I've opened up so much to him in a way that I've never done before. Everything for the hope of something I never thought I'd find. It's scary to think I've lost everything of me to someone who I can't call mine.
It was 7 and I could see them walking towards our house from my window. He walks behind his mom holding the hands of his little sister. He seemed protective of her and it made my heart warm to think of how protective he would be of his kids in the future.
It was precious to watch him spoil people with affection cause boys these days, rarely do it. They were getting close to my door and I ran down to the hall. There was this mini- anxiety that developed within me when I'm about to meet him and it slowly calms down as we talk. Right now, it's at its extreme. I was getting anxious more and more. I greeted them at our doorway. We had dinner and we were just sitting around talking about random stuff and I knew it was time. I gestured for Conor to come to meet me in my room. He followed me.
"Hey, how have you been doing?"
"Yeah I'm good, just wanted to ask you something like it's very random and I don't know if it would be okay to-"
"Rosa you know I'm very transparent with you. I won't hesitate to answer, tell me!"

I gave out a sigh and narrated to him the whole thing I heard about his job and his college. He patiently listened but I could feel his demeanor growing tense and maybe a bit angry with every word.

''Rosa you are right. I know I would be happier if I pursued music but it's about money. I need to wait to even get recognized in the music industry so I would rather get a job and settle in life.''

''Wasn't music your dream?''

''It was and it still is. But we need to live according to the world. If we lay back in our own dream world then we cant keep up with the pace of the world''

''But Conor I want you to be happy, they need to be recognized, your music. NO, you won't be happy if you become anyone else. "

" I won't, yeah you're right. But at least I'll be comfortable and well settled. "

" But Conor you're gonna give up everything."

"What am I giving up Rosa? The ten followers that I have or the 5 people who listen to my music."

"If you don't, you'll never know Conor."

"Oh please, I did try Rosa."

"But you can't throw it-"

I stopped midway when he raised his eyebrows. If he was mad before then it was nothing compared to the vision in front of me right now.

"Why do you care Rosalinda? It's my music and my life. I can do whatever the hell I want. We've only known each other for a month. How does anything about me bother you?"

"Because knowing that you won't be happy actually haunts me in a way that I don't want. God, you are meant to be something big, you make people feel things you don't just,''

''Please, if anyone ever felt anything-''

''I did, I do. It's a feeling so strange cause you've never felt it before. It's like you found the place from where the butterflies came from. It's like there's an invisible thread tying two hearts together and that knot is too strong. That's what I feel when I listen to your songs, not just your music but just being with you. You don't know the million little emotions I experience when you are around and all of them are constituted around one feeling and something tells me that this feeling has to be love. I love you, Conor''

Everything came down to nothing. At this moment I could hear my sniffs. My eyes began to tear up. He was in shock.

"What? Are you insane? You were like my little sister."

Yes, something I always knew was coming though I didn't want it.

"Little sister? Conor, do you open up to a little sister this much? ''

''I know it's hard for you to accept but that was my intention and that was always how I spoke to you, that's who you are in my mind''

''Yeah you're right, I was the one who gave myself way too much importance. I was the one who was way too blinded by you that I couldn't see what you really are. I was the one who thought I was special when I always fucking knew I wasn't. ''

''No, Rosa you are still special and precious. It's just that I can't fall in love with you''

''Give me a why''

''I just don't know, I wasn't attracted to you. I'm sorry''

''Okay''

''I'm also in a relationship, you know that.''

''And about that Conor, I don't think she's right for you. I don't know what you think but she doesn't seem like a person who would love you always, give you what you deserve.''

''Oh wow, now you have gone over your limits, Rosa. You go on and make a confident judgment about her after meeting two times. I've been with her for two years and you try to advise me on who she is. I swear to God Rosa, you are being really annoying right now.''

''Conor, time's just a count. Someone you've known for a day can you make you feel things that people you've known all your life couldn't. So, it doesn't matter, she's got you tricked under her spell all these years''

''That's enough Rosa, I know how to go about my life, I know who actually loves me and who doesnt. And I'm old enough to actually understand where life would take me. It's time you act like mature and grow up from all these fantasies Rosa. I'm in love with Jay, I don't know if we will have a happy ending but let me be happy with what I have with her now. And I can't fall in love with you not because you're not amazing or you're not pretty but because you were never an option to me, you were always a loving friend and you always will be a loving friend to me. Please understand, if possible please hate me and focus on moving on cause there's more to life than this. And you will find someone soon, God has a plan and an angel for everyone. Your angel is not me. Who knows, you might even find someone better, an upgrade. So yeah, I don't know if we could stay friends after this but let's work on it''

''okay''

I say and put my head down. I look up at him, smile, and leave. The rest of the night, I stayed quiet cause words cannot come out when thoughts are screaming inside. After a while, we left and ran to my room. I lay on my bed and let go of all the emotions that I bottled up.

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