Little Too Much

Chapter 33 - Flying or Dying

You'd think with such an amazing guy like Sam as my boyfriend, i'd have nothing to be depressed about, but my past still haunted me. I can never get away from it. Who i was, what i did, still defines who i am. Maybe if i could see my mom and siblings, we could patch things up; maybe they could forgive me; maybe i could forgive myself. Until then, i have to daily make a choice between flying or dying. 

When i'm with Sam, i'm flying, without him, i'm dying.

Oh, obviously Bella and i made up after our fight. We could be two days without caving in and both of us apologized. Now, it's totally forgotten. She and i got through school just fine. Bella got an acceptance letter from the college she wanted and i got accepted into the vocational school. I'd decided to ditch Senior year and college and got to vocational culinary school. I love cooking. What can i say? Plus, school has always made me depressed and stressed. Better to get out as soon as possible. 

Shawn's POV:

January: I knew Athalia wasn't getting over her depression or cutting. Even if she was serious with Sam, and she and i were drifting a little, I was determined to help her love herself. She's always been beautiful to me, and i want her to see it. More than i wanted to be with her, i just wanted her to love herself. Maybe that's impossible, and i failed to help her see it when she and i were so close, but i have to try don't i?

Love's not a disease, but i feel like it is. It makes me sick sometime to think about her kissing someone else. Like my song, without her kisses, i need stitches. There's nothing out there besides her who can fix my broken heart. I never listen to my own singing, i hate to, but i kept singing "Stitches" to myself. It's exactly how i feel. It wasn't long before i started singing "Never Be Alone," and that's how i got inspiration to start helping Athalia get better. She needed a future without pain, and, even if that future was with Sam, i wanted to give it to her. I could never move on and be happy, if i knew she was still suffering and unhappy. If i could stop being in love with her, i would, but she's in my heart, my mind, my being, my everything. Each and every fiber of my being wants to be free to fall in love with her, but i have to refrain. 

I decided i'd do little things all the time, but at least one thing each month so it would stand out and make her think. Special things have to be special and not often. I wrote a note with no name on it or anything. After hanging out one day, I left it on her pillow. It read, "You cut yourself, you cut me to."

I wanted it to be simple so it would stick and sink deep. I read the text she sent right after she saw it: Aww....Shawn! You'll never guess what Sammy did for me. She always told me about the things that Sammy did for her. I knew everything, the truth. It was my note, my surprise and still i have to share it - no, give it - to Sam. I let him take the credit and muster enough courage to text back: What?

That note contained my handwriting, but she must not have noticed. Sam and i both have crappy handwriting, how was she to know? But those were my thoughts, my pain, and maybe his too. She texted back: It was a note!!! And it says the sweetest thing! I knew if our places were reversed she'd be excited for me, so i pretended to be interested, even though i already knew: What did it say?

I couldn't be excited or interested. It was my note, but she couldn't know that. I'd give anything for her to stop sharing her Sammy moments with me. It's like hell fire in my chest when she talks about him, raves about him. I wanted to be there for here, i am here for her. If i can magnify my pain in order to decrease hers, it's worth it. Anything - anything - is worth it for her. I can't hurt her by saying i don't want to hear about it. 

I don't hate Sam. I don't wish he didn't exist. I don't want him dead. I don't want to be him. I don't even want to be in his shoes. Nothing. All i want is for Athalia to be happy. If it's Sam, and not me who makes her happy, then i'm glad. If its him, not me, but she stays here, if she lives, then i'm happy. I was sorry that her happiness couldn't be found in me, but loving her isn't about having her, not to me anyway. I'd give anything to have her, but loving her, to me, is giving her anything no matter what it costs me. 

She texted me the contents of the note, even though i knew better than she did what it said: "You cut yourself, you cut me too." I didn't realize how much it would hurt to see those words and try and pretend they came from someone else. I almost cried. It took me several minutes of holding back tears to say: That's so sweet of him. He's so good for you. I wished upon wish as i texted that that i could have said, "That was me, not Sam," or even, "I'd say the same thing." Her next text lifted my spirits a little at least: I know you'd say the very same thing though. It's nice to know i've got Sam and you (and others) by my side. There's no one who makes me smile more than you and Sam. 

I was happy that i do make her happy in someway. At least she knows where i stand and how much i want to protect her, even if she doesn't know how much i love her. 

You might think that because i'm Shawn Mendes i can have anybody, any girl i want. But that's sadly not true. I could have almost any other girl, except for the one i love. The only one i want out of millions i could have, is the only one i can't have. You might think that because i'm Shawn Mendes i have everything: fame, fortune, family, love, talents, and on and on. But it doesn't matter. I'd give up anything for Athalia, to be with her. She says over and over how nothing can come between us, but Sam already has. He's there, even if he doesn't meant to be, even if she doesn't see it. Sam's really nice and he honestly is good for Athalia. I know she feels alive with him, happy with him. 

I still can't help wishing she was mine, not his.

Athalia's POV:

Over summer things started to get better for me. If i wasn't at the amusement park or a pool party or just hanging out with Shawn, or Aaron, or Julie, or Bella, or Sam and Trevor, then i was on a date with Sam, or Sam and Levi. He was such a sweet boyfriend, always challenging me to get better in some way. By summer, i'd stopped cutting my thighs entirely and i barely cut anything but my wrist. 

I was healing.

And it was all thanks to Sam. Every month i'd find some sort of surprise, giving me courage to stop. it was always so sweet and small, but bold and big at the same time. I never talked to Sam about it, or thanked him, because i knew he wouldn't want me to. I kept it all inside my heart. I was replacing so much hurt with love. I'd never been more thankful for a person. I started looking in the mirror and appreciating some things that i saw. I started being proud of my cooking. I accepted how talented i was and embraced the idea that i could go far with - have a future in - cooking and baking. 

Sam gave me reasons, and made me see all the other reasons i'd always had around me, to live.

Could flying be better than dying?

Could something be better than dying?

i think it finally is...