Little Too Much

Chapter 50 - Secret Tears, Secret Songs

I didn't notice i was crying until i felt a singeing tear drip on my arm, followed by another. I wiped my face and nose really quickly. I pressed the note book to my chest and heaved a sigh. It came out uncontrollably shaky.

And suddenly i was curled up next to my boxes, hidden my them in the corner. i cried my heart out. I started getting angry. I crawled out of the corner and grabbed my ring box with my stash of blades.

i opened it.

i stared long and hard.

i glanced at the songbook.

i closed my eyes and saw Shawn's face.

i clenched my fists and i crushed the lid of the ring box shut. I took it to the fire and threw it in. I looked at the mantle above the fireplace. There was a picture of Aaron and all of Magcon. I pulled the picture into my arms with the songbook. My fingers trailed along Shawn's face under the glass. It was small, but it was him. It had always been him. But it was over. Sure, he'd said he would be in love with me forever, but i knew that couldn't be true. I'd broken his heart over and over. I couldn't hurt him more by trying to start over with him. He deserved better.

But i am in love with him...and have been. I knew it. I'd always known it. I'd always seen it, how couldn't i see he loved me too? Why had i been afraid to let him in?

Shawn's POV:

I started to strum on my guitar. Nash listened to the first few notes. He knew "A Little Too Much," was my song for Athalia. I played it whenever i missed her. And i particularly missed her today. Nash put his hand on my forearm and stopped me. His eyes got a little teary as he reminded me, "You know she's not here right? She can't hear you. You have to write a new song."

"But she is here. Right here."

"Shawn, i'm telling you, write a new song. If it's got to be about Athalia, make it her elegy."

"But i can't say goodbye."

"Then it's time you learned how."

"Nash, no one told me until it was too late. She didn't say goodbye, so neither can i."

"She's dead. Gone. You have to move on with your life."

"I can't move on. I'm going to live for her, experience everything she missed."

"She decided to miss out on everything. She took herself away. She didn't bother to say goodbye."

"If you're trying to make me hate her so i move on, it won't work. I'm still in love with her. Nothing you say can make me love her less. She lives right here from now on," i tapped my chest, defending her, "and THAT's where she chose to be. In here."