Little Too Much

Chapter 52 - Grenade

After the concert Julie and i jumped in the car and began our almost 4 hour drive back to Rhode Island in the dark. Maybe you're thinking i should have stayed. Maybe you're thinking i'm a bitch for leaving. Maybe i am. I love him. I love him more than anything. But i couldn't hurt him. He had his tour. I couldn't distract him. I knew his career wouldn't wait for him, but i could. I left because if i'd stayed a moment longer i wouldn't have been able to leave.

He called me the next day, desperate to know where i'd been. "Hey," he sounded deflated. If i had more confidence i would have said more than what i did. "Hey," i lamely responded. "Why...why," he tried again, "why'd you leave right away? I couldn't even say goodbye."

"I'm sorry. Look, sorry doesn't even cut it. I know that. But if i'd stayed i wouldn't have left. Ever."

"When will i see you next?"

"After your tour."

"That's too long."

"Shawn, your career is now, not later. I refuse to be in your way."

"How will i know you'll wait for me?"

I started crying at that point. He didn't seem to know what to say. I sniffled, trying to respond. He finally figured something to say, "Sorry - i - that was uncalled for. I just-"

I cut him off because i needed him to know, "I've never wanted to hurt you Shawn, you know that. I want to promise you something i've never promised anyone," I let the silence echo a moment to emphasis what i'd say next, "I will wait for you."

"You will?"

"Yes. And i couldn't ever make that promise before because i didn't know if i'd make it from day to day. I know now i will."

"What changed?"

"Nothing. Nothing changed. You stayed there the whole time. You've always been there. And now i'll be here, always, any day, waiting for you. You've given me the best reason to live."

"What's that?"

"God, Shawn, its you," I giggled through the tears.

"Hey, can we face time a while? I want to sing to you."

"Aww Shawn. Thanks, but you've gotta save your voice."

"It's my voice. I wouldn't be successful if it weren't for you. I want to."

So next thing i knew we were laughing at and with each other. "Wait, wait," i got out between laughing bursts. "What?" he snickered. I regained myself and asked him seriously, "What did you kiss me in front of your fans?"

"Why not?"

"They'll kill me!!!"

"But i'd catch a grenade for yaaaa....throw my hand on a blade for yaaa-a...jump-"

I cut him off, "Stop, stop!"

"I told you i wanted to sing to you."

"Okay, okay, true. Oh," and i suddenly became super quiet and intensely serious, "I haven't told you yet."

"What?" his voice came out somewhere between curious and concerned.

"You said you'd throw your hand on a blade for me. And you did."

"Athalia? What are you talking about?"

"You're the only person who has been able to come between me and my blades. I threw them in the fire. I got rid of them. Since i read your songbook i haven't hurt myself. Shawn, you literally saved me."

"Don't repay me by falling in love. I want it to be real."

"Repaying you is the only thing i think about less than being in love with you, but the two things never came as the same thought."

He gave me a blank look, not sure how to soak that in. "I'm in love with you. Even if you don't come back for me someday i'm not going to stop waiting. You're worth everything. A lifetime of waiting."

"I've never felt anything less for you."

"I think i understand now."

"I think i get you too. And you always understood."

"In a way yeah. I know you better and love you more than myself."

"And that's why we are so good together..."

Shawn was really busy. He texted me as often as he could but i saw an interview on Youtube about him before we were able to facetime again. I missed him.

"So i hear you and Athalia are the new hot couple?" the reporter asked. And of course my sweet, humble Shawn answered, "I'm not hot and we're not a couple - which is totally true, we're not a couple - but i do love her and i think we go great together."