Little Too Much

Chapter 49 - Bleak Return

Sometimes i get so sad that it's hard to breathe. So tell me, how do you expect me to talk about my demons when they're sitting on my lungs?

Last night i dreamed i couldn't breathe again. It felt just like the time i almost suffocated. And all i could think about when i woke up was the warmth of Shawn's hand. My demons had turned it to ice.

I'd made my choice. I was going to Rhode Island. But it didn't feel like home. I thought about choosing to stay in Cali and it didn't even feel like home. I taped my boxes shut. I was filling the last one with the treasures under my pillow when i decided to open Shawn's songbook. I hadn't touched it much less read it since he'd first given it to me, yet it took it with me everywhere. Why was i attached to something i didn't even know? It was like buying a book and never reading it. It didn't makes sense. Today i wanted things to make sense.

Each song had with it a small note as to why he'd written the song. His handwriting was so poor but i knew it and i could make everything out clearly.

One of those nights - for the girl who made me feel invincible after just one night. I knew it was her.

the weight - for the girl who broke my heart and is forever the only one who will ever be able to mend it.

Show you - for the girl i will do anything to prove myself to.

Never Be Alone - for the girl who i gave everything to, not just a piece of my heart, the whole thing. I'm always here. I will always love her.

Life of the Party - for the girl who will forever be my life.

Stitches - for the girl who makes me as broken as she is.

Aftertaste - for the girl who is replaceable. I just want to be unforgettable to her.

Kid in love - for the girl who reminds me what its like to live in Neverland; i want to grow old with her.

Bring it Back - for the girl who will never let me back in. I can't go back, but i can't move on.

Imagination - for the girl who i will always see not just in my future but as my future. I crave even the smallest moment with her.

I Don't Even Know Your Name - for the girl who got away because i didn't know her, care for her, be there like she needed. She was everything, is everything.

Air - for the girl who never meant to hurt me, only wanted to protect me, but ended up suffocating me.

Crazy - for the girl who gives me the feeling i've never waited for something so special as her.

Strings - for the girl who made forever seem short, who fell apart in front of me, who doesn't know how to get back together again. I need all of her.

This is What it Takes - for the girl that i'd give anything for, do anything for.

Don't Want Your Love - for the girl who i'll never get enough of but i'll never be good enough for.

Lost - for the girl who is lost but i'd follow her anyway. She knows her way through the darkness.

A Little Too Much - for the girl. Her. She's brave. She changed my life and all i've ever wanted to do was be in hers. For the girls it's too much to be without. For the girl who can't go on.

And on the last page it read: To that girl. I know her; i've met her. To you. I gave this to you because it's you. And i'm in love with you...forever.