╭Lamented╮

Chapter 11

Toshiro

Both Kurosaki's broke down into tears. Never had I guessed I would see the day Ichigo Kurosaki so vulnerable. But it was good.  

I wanted Karin to realize that it was not too late - this, at least, was not. She avoided meeting her family as a ghost. Maybe she thought that they were still grieving and if she showed up in the form of a ghost, it would hurt them even more. Or perhaps, she was too afraid to face them. She never directly told me the reason, but I could hypothesize.

But I was sure, after avoiding and avoiding, she had become even more hesitant in meeting her family. A point came when it became impossible. 

It was fine to be afraid. Her worries could not be blamed, but facing it was inevitable. 

I learned that avoiding responsibility had put me in a similar situation. I kept pushing back the date I would have to send her to the Soul Society. 

Avoiding.

Avoiding.

Avoiding.

Then, it had become too late. In this situation - unlike hers - it was too late. Karin was on the verge of becoming a hollow if not for her holding it back. I was not certain how she learned an ability to keep herself from transforming, but it was impressive.

She would be a fine Soul Reaper. 

"Captain," called Matsumoto. She had an uncharacteristically serious expression on her face. "She doesn't have much time."

Inoue gasped in horror. Her empathy amazed me, but I could not blame her. Ichigo had just met her and the same day, he would have to say goodbye.

Yes, indeed. I'm afraid...

"It has to be done today."

Rather than looking anyone in the eyes, my focus was on a wall. I sighed - I had nothing better to say. I found it difficult to bring myself to say anything or move. 

"I know, Rangiku."

"She's suffered enough and endured that pain. It's better if we do this as quick as possible," Rangiku said, loud enough for the Kurosaki's to hear, "so you'll at least get to see her in the Soul Society, one day."

She looked away, because despite her encouraging words, it was a one-in-a-million chance that would happen. Karin would also-- once she rests in peace, she... 

I stopped myself from showing this feeling; a mixture of sadness, frustration and hopelessness. I did not dare let anger surface, because that was the last feeling I would want to reveal. There was nothing that could receive my anger. 

No-one and nothing but myself. 

However, that is where this frustration and hopelessness comes from.

Knowing Karin, she would say: 'it wasn't your fault'. By the look I saw her give me, I guess I did not hide my feelings well. 

"What?" Ichigo said, face showing clear shock. Not long after, he showed anger. That anger that could not be directed at anyone but me. I envied how he could express the same exact feelings I wanted to vent. 

How ridiculous of me.

"What's going on? Toshiro?" Ichigo's eyes went from Karin to me in seconds. "I just got to see her. Yuzu, and dad, they didn't get to see her yet. And now, she has to go?!"

"That's why he called you now, because she has little time. Captain done what's best for her--"

"Rangiku, it is fine." 

She shouldn't say anything more to complicate things. Ichigo didn't need to view me as 'selfless', because in reality, I am taking responsibility for what I did. And he would eventually question what our - Karin and I - relationship was, but now was not the time to prompt the question.

"But, Captain," she whined.

"He knows the situation; I told him she didn't have much time. He should've guessed what would happen," I glanced at the two Kurosaki's. "Let's give them a little more time to rekindle, rather than throwing tantrums and wasting precious time."

I wanted to let out my anger too.

I wanted to talk to her too.

I felt guilty for saying not to shout and scream. 

I felt guilty for not taking the blame.

I worried about the impression my indifference gave Karin. I tried to maintain that indifference instead of giving into these tempting feelings. I had to push them away, because I knew - as much as I refused it - I would be the one throwing a tantrum. 

When had I become so sensitive? 

Ichigo groaned, looking away. I suppose he understood and begrudgingly nodded his head. "Karin, let's go outside. Anywhere you want." Ichigo smiled down at her. 

And so, we watched them from a distance in an unexpected place. This was my favorite view of the sun in the human world. I remember telling her about this place, but I doubt she came all the way here to see the sunset.

"Captain, are you sure about this?" Rangiku asked. Despite asking about my decisiveness, she was the one who sounded unsure. 

"What do you mean?" I said.

"You know what I mean." She sighed, "Are you sure you don't want to spend time with her too?" 

"What kind of question is that. Of course, I am," I said. 

Rangiku appeared to be impatient and her voice came out more rough. "Don't you want to say goodbye? Are you sure you don't want to be the one to send her off?"

Why is she asking me this?

I was positive of the answer. I was merely a friend, at best. I had no right to get in the way of their reunion and farewell. It was my fault, so I had no problem letting Ichigo Kurosaki send her to the Soul Society. 

So why?

"I am sur..." My voice broke and I abruptly sucked in a breathe. 

Why are these tears falling?

"Toshiro," Inoue said, staring at me in concern and surprise. Surprisingly, Rangiku only stared at me with that same serious look from before. 

She knew everything, didn't she? She was waiting for me to admit this, wasn't she?

"I am... I'm not okay, Rangiku. I don't want this, but this is all my fault," I whispered to prevent myself from sobbing. I did not dare make eye contact. I felt so pathetic and shameless, but letting this out of my system felt relieving. "If I didn't get attached, maybe then she would have met her family sooner and I... I wouldn't be feeling like this."

Rangiku took a hold of my shoulders. I thought she would say something, reassure me that I done nothing wrong, but I was caught off guard when that did not happen.

"You're right," she said.

"Rangiku!" Inoue scolded.

"The Toshiro I know would put his job over his feelings. If you didn't keep meeting her and spending time with her, I guess you wouldn't have gotten attached - you wouldn't of cared."

I pursed my lips and my head hung low. 

However, before I could soak in my self-loathing, she roughly turned me to face forward. 

"But do you really want that!"

My eyes widened from both the sudden action and the image before me. Right before my eyes, nearing me in a sprint, Karin opened her arms wide. She tackled me into a hug with great force, which forced me to hold onto her to regain my balance.

"I'm glad I met you," she whispered to me, hugging me tightly.