Ashton helped Calum from the bathroom, holding his body in the towel as he moved to carry him from the shower he had just been in. He laid him onto the bed gently, moving to help him get dressed and stepping through the mess of clothing on the floor of their closet to find something to put the brunet into after finally managing to get him cleaned up for the first time in almost five weeks.
He didn't make Calum do any of the work to getting dressed, taking it upon himself to support and move his weak body with knowing he had only gotten in the shower and to be dressed in the first place because of him. He finished rolling his shirt down his torso before he let him lay back down, not pushing him anymore into doing anything else. He held back his sigh making any noise as the brunet immediately turned over and curled back up into himself again, watching him holding his hands to his chest and the soft glint of Luke's ring around the brunet's finger as he balled his hands against himself.
He knew the brunet wanted to cry but couldn't, had nothing left and had broken and lost his voice from dry sobbing for hours in a bed he didn't leave for a week and didn't move from unless Ashton was making him to make the bed up again and clean it or to attempt to clean him. He didn't push the brunet, didn't force him to do anything much outside of trying to take care of him with eating and his medication. He kept thinking of what Luke had said, not to let Calum be mad at him but there's wasn't anything the man wasn't feeling outside of a brokenness.
He knew Calum didn't hate him, didn't even hate Luke for what he had done but that all of his hate was reserved solely for Michael. He had never processed his own emotions like Calum did, never took many things as hard as the brunet did and he hated the slightly helpless feeling he had in the moment of not being able to help the brunet like Calum needed and how the man always did for him. He stared down at the man, hating that he just wanted Calum happy again and for Luke to just come back. He hated that he felt that way, that he didn't know how to stop when he knew it was insensitive and crude to want Calum to be as happy and for him to have done more.
He shouldn't have convinced Luke to figure it out, should've let it keep going on as it had been and he regretted speaking up, wished he would've just stayed silent for the sole reason he always did. He felt he said what was wrong most of the time unless it was to Calum, felt like he didn't really understand other people with how they felt and behaved and their social cues and reactions like his boyfriend did. He used to try until Calum had ultimately became his one attachment to the real word and everyone else in it for nearly every interaction.
He should've just let Calum handle Luke, maybe the blond wouldn't have felt so hopeless and incapable of moving further to greater things, would've still been alive and Calum wouldn't have been so broken and hurt. He cried for Luke and Calum the first night, had picked himself up from the bed the next night and went down to clean and handle Luke's body with the same care and attention as he did when the blond was alive, working while Calum slept even though he knew the brunet wasn't moving from their bed at the time to see what he was trying to keep him from looking at.
Luke felt so much heavier than he ever did before, Ashton felt his arms shake with the weight of the blond's lifeless body in his arms and the coldness of his skin against his own hot flashing flesh, couldn't look at him even if he did have a look of peace on his face that Ashton had never seen before just above the hole through his heart from Ashton's colt. He couldn't look at the gun anymore, his gun of fifteen years that had taken the lives of countless people who Ashton had never thought about again had taken the one life that he couldn't shake and found its way to finally be seen as a weapon he didn't want to wield anymore-that he couldn't wield anymore.
He had never cleaned after a murder, not for years with either never caring to do so himself or having others do it. His hands were still raw from scrubbing for hours to get rid of the marks of Luke's life, eyes agitated with trying to hold back his tears as he worked. His hand still was aching lightly when Calum held his hand as he sat beside the brunet on their bed, running his thumb over the silver band wrapped around his finger. He felt his hand tighten around his own, opening his eyes and looking down at Calum from being leaned back onto the bed board of their bed.
He helped Calum shift when the brunet started to first, letting him into his lap and leaning against him. Their foreheads gently touched with Calum again making the first move, despite his eyes being closed, Ashton waiting for what he would do, if he would. Calum had sat with him plenty of times, stayed in silence without moving from his spot. He didn't mind it, just wanting to be there for the brunet in the only way that seemed to be enough for him right then as he rubbed his thumb over his ring finger.
He tried not to let his expression show when Calum took a shaky breath, his touch having a little more pressure subconsciously as the brunet spoke up softly.
"I love you. You know that, right?"
"Of course, Calum. I love you."
He tried to keep his voice steady, not sure how he was feeling about Calum speaking to him after so much time of silence. He wondered if the brunet felt the same way when he didn't speak, if his silence was too much to handle like it felt at moments with Calum. Did Calum still understand why Ashton didn't speak? Would it be too much if Ashton still didn't? He felt that Calum was always the only person that understood his silence, didn't want to seem selfish for not wanting that to change and having to speak when usually he could if he wanted to and the brunet didn't hold it against him if he didn't.
"I'm sorry. For shutting down. I know you need me to keep talking, letting you know. I didn't know what to say."
"No, no. It's okay. Don't apologize. I'm...I'm sorry I didn't know how to help. I feel like I made everything worse.... for you because I-I didn't know what to do."
He let go of a shuddering breath when Calum finally opened his eyes and looked up at him, pulling away just enough to shake his head as he forced a sad smile, Ashton knew it was only to comfort him. It did, though it dropped away seconds later as Calum's eyes went to his collarbones and rubbed over the snake surrounding his name.
"You did right, Darling. I'm okay because you're here with me."
Ashton nodded back, hating that he didn't know what to say still as he moved to hold Calum's hand pressed against his chest. The brunet stayed quiet, Ashton didn't know what to say but could read his face to know he had something he wanted to say. He waited, letting the brunet collect his words as Calum tilted his head lightly, watching his eyes flickering across his body with his hand a few seconds later to trace over his tattoos.
The brunet's eyes lit up just barely at him not being able to control the way his head jerked lightly at Calum's ghosting touch over his neck, squeezing his eyes up softly with his eyebrows furrowed together. The brunet moved back away from his neck, the cool feeling of Luke's ring pressing to Ashton's chest as he looked back to meeting his eye-line.
"I want to kill Michael. I don't want him walking around when..."
He clenched his jaw tightly as he trailed off, exhaling hard through his nose. Ashton nodded so he didn't have to speak up, making Calum do the same back.
"I want him to suffer first, that stupid bastard. I want to make him feel just like we all did before we kill him. I...I want-"
"I know, Cal. I know."
He wiped Calum's face first, swiping the few tears down his cheeks and making him take a deep breath. He let Calum lean forward to lay against his chest, Ashton shutting his eyes as he leaned his head back against the wall. He felt content with finally know what to do for Calum, relaxing with finally having the sound of his voice once again.
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AN: hello!! I'm happy to be updating again, hopefully with a little lighter note from last chapter. I appreciate you guys so much for being careful and taking care of yourselves over reading that chapter. Your well-being means a million times more to me.
But, more insight into Ashton, which I'm happy to be doing because I know a lot of you like his character and this is building more into him. Only a couple chapters left though. How are y'all feeling so far??
Thank you for reading!! I love y'all sm and I'll see y'all next chapter!! <3 <3 <3 byeeeee!!
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Skullfuck {5SOS;CASHTON&MUKE}✔️
Fanfic{completed} "All you powerful men are the same. You don't want love, you want a servant." "I didn't come here for moral bullshit. Are you taking the job or not?" "We will but only because it's been a long time since we've had fun with a self centere...
