life in a commander's arms

31. Down in the Blues

Madeleine's POV
I look around the hill. Espresso stood there with his arms wide open. "I missed you, Maddie..." he whispered with tears surrounding his eyes.

I had my breath running to him. When I reached him, he turned into a beam of light that shot up into the sky. I stare up at it confused, "Wha...."

Suddenly, loud booming sounds deafened my ears. The sound scared me. I flinched. But it didn't stop. The fireworks continued to book in the air. It was the exact same sound when Espresso was hit.

The sounds continued until I shot up in bed with tears and sweat running down my face. I was shaking incredibly bad. Very very bad. I couldn't breathe or speak. I stood up and ran to the restroom throwing up in the toilet immediately.

I stand up and grab the knife again slicing at my arms. This time, it didn't calm me down. Instead I fell to the floor and screamed crying non stop.

I couldn't live like this anymore. I wanted to be with someone, ANYONE!

Princess and Knight were out of town, Latté and Cream Puff would be on their way to Brewers Village soon, so that only left one person.

Gooey Butter Cookie.

...

I knock on the door trying to wipe away my tears away. I couldn't hold it in. I turn around quickly trying to stop crying but I couldn't. I hear the door open, though.

When I turned back around, a sweet lady stood infront of it with a smile, "Hi there," she chuckled, "How may I... Oh... O-Oh goodness, A-Are you ok sweetheart?" she asked.

I cover my face and nod, but I felt no courage to say anything. I felt my lip quivering trying to say Gooey Butter's name, but I couldn't. That's when my mind turned against me.

I reneny meeting Espresso for the first time. His eyes glowing when I touched him. I broke down. I began to shake feeling my heart thumping hard against my chest. "Oh, darling..." she frowned, "Let me get you inside, I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind."

The lady rested her hand on my back guiding me into the house. There were little kids who stared at me.

She then sat me down on the couch as I grabbed onto it's cushions, my Espresso plush on my lap. "Are you feeling ok? Would you like anything to eat or drink?" I slowly shrug. "Ok..." she frowned, "Honey, can you come in here for a moment!" she called out.

Almost immediately, Butter walks in the room. He had an apron on and he held a spatula. "What's wrong d..." he dropped his spatula when he saw me, "Madeleine... S-Sport, is everything ok?"

"No..." I mutter quietly. My breathing was so out of control, the kids in the room hid from me with fear in their eyes.

Butter sighed sitting down beside me. "Breathe, sport." He nodded, "Breathe slow. There is no rush in the world, everything will be alright." he smiled.

His wife looked over at him. I watch her mouth 'Water' tilting her head. Butter nodded before she waddled off into the kitchen.

I had to admit, his wife reminded me a LOT of Princess.

Butter rubbed my back, "Come on, kiddo," he frowned. He rubbed my back little faster. "Focus on me, ok? Don't worry about the kids or the temperature in here... just focus on me and my wife, ok?"

I nod, but I still focused on the warm air suddenly sweeping onto my lap. Valentina. Butter's wife came back in handing me a cup of water. I drank it slowly feeling myself calm just slightly. I wipe away my tears, "Thank you..." I whisper, "I'm sorry..." I mutter tightening my chest.

Butter's wife smiled shaking her head, "Don't apologize, dear. We are happy to help you."

"When did this happen, kiddo?" I hear Butter ask. When I looked over at him, he was holding up my wrist. I saw that my sleeves weren't covering the cuts anymore, and Butter stared at them in sadness and confusion.

I sniffle, "T...T-Today and and and y-yesterday..." I stutter quietly.

Butter and his wife stared at eachother. Istared at the hurt in their eyes, which made me feel bad. Did I do something wrong? "Madeleine..." Butter sighed, "Kiddo you can't do this." he whispered, "I know you're grieving but, kid, don't hurt yourself-"

"I'M SORRY!" I shout shaking again. My breathing grows quicker and quicker, "I-I-I COULDN'T HELP IT! I-I MISS ESPRESSO SO MUCH I WANT TO KILL MYSELF B-BUT I... I..." I feel myself falling again. When I looked up, the room was spinning.

Sounds of fireworks filled my brain. No... I whimper, no... NO.... STOP! STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT, TURN IT OFF! I yelled.

Nothing.

Butter's wife grabbed my arm before I nearly collapsed on Butter. My eyes felt heavy, and I couldn't stay awake. So I didn't.

...

When I woke up again, I was in a different room. A bedroom. I was on a bed. Butter's kids were poking me with toys and pencils. "Kids, get away from our guest please." Butter's wife sighed.

Butter's wife came in with a bowl of soup and set it on the nightstand, "Ahh, you're awake!" she smiled. She sat on the side of the bed and reached her arm out for my forehead. "Aw, you're pretty warm. Here," she waddled away for a moment, but came back with a cold cloth resting it on my head.

I sit up and lay back as Butter's wife set a breakfast in bed type of tray on my lap with the soup on it. Butter came in a few seconds later. "How's he doing?" he asked.

His wife shrugged, "His head felt warm so I put a cloth on it!" she giggled.

"This is my wife, Choco Cream Cheese Cookie," Butter introduced, "I guess I never introduced her too well-"

"You can call me Choco Cheese for short," she smiled, "Or Cee Cee! Either is fine!"

I look down at my soup and sigh. "You guys are the parents I never had..." I whisper. I wipe my tears suddenly looking around. "Wh-Where is he?!" I shout, "WHERE DID YOU PUT HIM?!" I scream at them.

Cee Cee tilted her head with a frown, "Put who, dear-?"

"This," Butter pulled out my Espresso plush and placed it in my arms before I squeeze it tightly. Butter and Cee Cee stared at me with calm frowns.

I begin to attempt at eating the soup, but I don't succeed. I sigh and give the soup back to Cee Cee, "I'm not hungry..." I whisper. I lay in in bed and cross my arms feeling Valentina immediately steam my body.

Cee Cee nodded holding the soup in her lap. Butter frowned at me patting my shoulder, "I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, kid." he looked down sounding choked up. "He was a hard worker. He pushed his way through anything and everything, and I'm sure he wants you to do the same."

I stare at Butter and hug him tightly, Cee Cee joining in. Even Valentina joined the hug. I felt her in two different places, though. We hug together. All three of us. It felt so warm. So right. I felt like I was apart of a family.

I close my eyes. I knew Espresso was gone. I couldn't do anything about it, and I just had to accept that. I think I did, but I couldn't tell. It felt too early.

Why.

Why did he have to go?

Why couldn't it have been me?

It should've been me....