life in a commander's arms

32. The Falldown

TW// more suicide and self harming stuufff :')

Madeleine's POV
A few hours go by, and before I know it, I'm having dinner with Gooey Butter's family. We were having pasta and garlic bread.

Luckily, garlic bread was one of my favorite foods, so I didn't want to skip out on dinner. "How is it, Madeleine?" Cee Cee asks me.

I nod, "It's delicious..." I mutter. I sound sarcastic saying it, but I'm not. To let her know I'm being serious, I look up at her and give her a big smile.

Cee Cee giggled, "Aww, thank you, hun." She poked at her food and twirled it around with her fork.

I stare at the window and frown. It clear weather wise, but fog flooded the entire landscape. "I need to go," I mutter.

"What do you mean, kiddo?" Butter sincerely asked. He sounded worried and afraid, "I don't know if I feel comfortable letting you go back to your house. Not after seeing scars and especially not after you talking about hurting yourself... VERY badly."

I look at him, then at Cee Cee. I sigh quietly and cross my arms. "I want to see Espresso..." I whisper, "I want to visit his grave..."

Butter and Cee Cee looked at eachother for a few seconds. "I'll go," Butter stood up and left the dinner table toward the living room. He seemed mad and uncomortable.

My heart beat stopped when he came back. He was wearing a coat and he had his umbrella since it was raining again. "Did I do something wrong..." I whimper. I suddey feel scared and helpless, but I didn't know why. "I'm sorry... I'm..."

"N-No no no!" Butter gasped, his voice was lighter now. He came up to me and shook his head, "I meant that I would go with you to see him... I'm not leaving you I promise." he slowly smiled giving a thumbs up.

...

Butter and I walked up the hill in the rain. To be honest, I didn't want Butter to be there. I didn't want him here, because I wanted to talk to Espresso one on one.

It was ok, though.

At least I wasn't alone.

I feel the warm wind hug me from bellow, and it seemed Butter felt it too. "I feel something warm shaking my hand..." he muttered.

"That's Valentina," I smile. "Valentina and her friend..." I stop to think. I sigh, "Mickey. Valentina and Mickey."

"Oh yeah?" Butter scoffed.

I nod and shrug, "I came to visit here one time and since then I feel like I've been haunted by warm air..." I shake my head in confusion, "Not sure what it is. A blessing? A curse? I don't know. I try to ignore it."

Butter and I reached the grave and stared at it. My coat was still on it, wrapped so nicely. I suddenly don't want to be on the hill anymore. I slowly walk up to it and crouch staring at the engraved name. Espresso Bean Cookie. A father, a husband, a friend... A starlight.

I hold my breath and feel it thumping. I didn't know they put that on there...

"Hey... Kiddo?" Butter crouched down holding the umbrella over my head. He rested his hand on my back, "You ok?"

How could you possibly be ok? "How could I possibly be ok??" I turn around at him with raging tears in my eyes, Your husband died. There's no reason to be ok. "Espresso died! THERE'S NO REASON TO BE OK!" I scream.

Butter widened his eyes tightening his grip on my shoulder, "Kiddo-"

He wouldn't understand. "You wouldn't understand!" I clench my fists. My body began to shake violently. He has a living loving wife, living loving kids, and a healthy life. You have NONE of those things.

"You have a living loving wife!" I mutter, "LIVING LOVING KIDS!" I stand up. "AND A HEALTHG LIFE?!" I slowly reach for the knife I had in my pocket, "I HAVE NONE OF THESE THINGS!" I scream. I pull the knife out and aim it toward my stomach, "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

"MADELEINE!" Butter screamed. I didn't listen, though.

I try to dig the knife into my stomach, but I feel either Valentina or Mickey warm my hands hotter and hotter and hotter. It distracted me, and before I knew it Butter was running up to me tugging the knife out of my hands.

I tried to fight back, but I eventually let go. I felt too weak. I fell onto my knees and cried. I cried hard. I cried so so hard, I felt a numb feeling in my lungs.

Butter came over and hugged me rubbing my back. "I'm proud of you, sport." he whispered. "And I know Espresso is proud of you, too. Even though you're feeling this way, I'm sure he knows how hard it is." Butter smiled gently pushing my head forward allowing me to bury my face in his shoulder.

I slowly bring my arms up and wrap them around him. I continued to cry until I felt like I couldn't, anymore. "You're ok, you're ok," I hear Butter whisper as he rubbed my back. I close my eyes when I feel Valentina on my cheek. It made me smile.

Butter stood up and took my hand, "How about we get you home," he chuckled. "I think you need some sleep. I'll take you to my place since, again, I'm not sure if I'm ok with you home by yourself in your mental state."

I nod my head slowly and walk with him to his house, "Where will I sleep?" I ask.

He shrugs and chuckles, "You can sleep in the guest bedroom, if you'd like. Or the couch. Which ever you would prefer."

I smile at him. I stop and give him a warm hug, "Thank you..." I whisper.

Butter hugs me back and chuckles, "Of course, kiddo. I'm very proud of you for making it this far." He shook my shoulder lightly and continued to walk home with me as I hid the fresh cuts I had created a few moments early with my sleeve.