Are we too young for this?

-o-n-e-

Have you ever had an overdose?

Let me just say it's not fun. It's such a hard thing to describe. To explain how it feels. But I am going to try my best to make you understand how I felt.

It feels like Your throat is closing and in that moment you forget how to breathe. You start to sweat and your heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest. The whole world starts to spin faster and faster around you until it starts to fade into darkness and all you can feel is a sense of fear. Fear that you will never wake up again.

My parents were the ones who found me.

I was lying on the floor of my room, unresponsive. They thought I was dead. I was extremely pale, had no breath, and my heart was barely beating.

Immediately after they found me they rushed me to the hospital and just in time too. The doctors told them they were lucky they found me when they did otherwise I might have not made it.

I was in a drug induced coma for four days and when I finally woke my parents were there sitting by my side. They looked so sad and concerned all at once, I hated seeing them so worried. I can't even think of a time I had seen them that scared.

It hurt me to know that I'm the one that did that to them. It's my fault. I should have never started to use. I love my parents more than anything. How did I let this happen?

When I woke my mom immediately started to cry and began apologizing to me saying that it was her fault, that she's the reason that I ended up here and that she should have known but that wasn't the case I was very careful so that she wouldn't find out.

This was a huge reality check. As soon as she started to blame herself I knew I had to get help. My parents had wanted to take me home as soon as I was able to be discharged but I insisted I be sent to rehab.

I didn't ever want to see them like that again. I had to get better. I had to do better.

I got my parents to agree and I was sent to rehab in June. It's now the end of July and I'm finally going home. I will be better.

I promise.

My mom walked through the front entrance of the rehabilitation center, pulling me into a huge hug once she saw me. After a minute or two of being embraced she let me go so she could sign the discharge papers allowing me to leave.

Once finished she put her arm around me and we walked out of the building together. We put my suitcase in the trunk and hopped in the car.

We drove down the road with the windows down playing music. We were singing and laughing with each other and I could see how happy my mom was, happy that I was okay and that made me happy.

"I am so proud of you sweetie," my mom said, turning down the volume of the radio, "you did it, you pushed through and got help, you should be so proud!"

I was.

I gave her a grateful smile and turned my attention to look out the window. I put my hand out of it letting the wind push against my hand.

When we got home my dad came out to greet us wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me to the point I was almost out of breath. He let me go and I laughed.

I walked with my mom inside with my dad right behind us. When we got in I scanned the house with my eyes. Nothing had changed. I excused myself, grabbing my suitcase and making my way up the stairs and down the hall to my bedroom.

I opened my door to see my room all clean, probably from my mom so that I can come home and not have to worry about anything.

I walked over, setting my suitcase on the bed, unzipping the front pocket and pulled out my phone.

In Rehab we weren't allowed to have our personal phones so I haven't talked to any of my friends in a month and a half.

I held down the power button and turned it on. Almost immediately after powering on my phone a bunch of notifications from the past month and a half started blowing up my Lock Screen.

I let the notifications stop flooding my phone before opening it and going to my text messages. I pressed on my best friend, Drew's contact.

__________________________________
Drew:

Dude where u at?

Hello?

Dude are u thereeeee?

Bitch answer!

June 12: 8:30pm

Dude ur mom just called my mom and told her what happened I hope ur okay man text me when ur out!!!

June 13: 9:36am

Me:

Heyy

Just got back :D

Aug 15: 10:03am

Drew:

No fucking way

Ur actually alive?! Whattttt

Dude I missed you

Aug 15: 10:09am
__________________________________

I tossed my phone onto the bed before falling backward onto my bean bag and just sitting there staring at my room. My eyes narrowed to the floor vent underneath my window.

I started tapping my finger against my thigh knowing exactly what I was gonna do but shouldn't do.

Don't do it.

Ignoring myself I got up crawling quickly across my floor to the vent.

Shit

I untwisted the loose screws pulling the lid off. I took a second realizing what I was doing. I ignored my conscience, shoving my hand into the vent until my hand got a hold of a small zip lock baggie.

I pulled it out lifting the baggy up to my face. About a gram of white powder was left in the baggy. I closed my hand completely around it as if to hide it and raced to my bathroom locking the door behind me.

I wanted it. I had it in my hands. I sat on the floor opening up the baggy. I thought I was done. I thought I was better. But I have a deep craving.

So close

I have never wanted anything more. I pulled my house key out of my pocket scooping up a little bit of the powder.

I stared at it. Right there. In my hand. No one can stop me at this moment.

I started to raise the key to my nose but froze. I started to think about that night. The night of my overdose. Images of my parents flashed in my head of how upset they were that night.

I can't do this. Not again.

I lifted the lid of my toilet up, shaking the powder on my key into the toilet and throwing the whole bag in as well. I stood up and stared at it for just a second before pushing the handle down, flushing it.

I took a deep breath and walked over to the mirror looking at myself.

I will do better.