Note By Note

XXV: Love & Loss; Brutal Parallels [Epilogue]

Note by Note

Chapter XXV — Love & Loss; Brutal Parallels [Epilogue]

[Dedicated Song: Phoebe Bridgers — Moon Song]

[27 April 2021]
[London, Angeloff Residence]
[02:10]

I was left tossing and turning throughout the night, the turbulence in my mind keeping me from the soft embrace of sleep. I could not take my mind off of Kuyeya's sudden confession as well as how much I had hurt Conrad. The guilt ate me up, chewing through every part of my sanity. And what made it even stronger were the underlying feelings for Kuyeya that had slowly begun to surface. Ever since what she had told me I had had plenty of time to think and ask the question that had plagued me for months:

Who am I?

On a fateful day, I had lost my hearing, my identity was lost as well. But now, with all that I had thought about for the past week, I had realized that my love for music was only a fraction of my identity. I never had the rest. Throughout the months since, I was doing quite the job at building up a brand new identity but it would be no different from the old because there were pieces that were missing. There were weaknesses, those that made it easy to shatter. Perhaps I was hiding, perhaps I was ashamed of the feelings I felt towards Kuyeya, but I still was not as sure as I hoped I would be. I was still scared of the outside world's comments.

I had thought more about what I would say to Kuyeya than when I did with Conrad. I had experienced the loss of a friend, and I did not want to be inserted into that situation again. There was a high chance that I would lose Kuyeya completely if I gave the wrong answer, and I wanted to make sure that it did not get to that. I turned over to another side of the bed, hoping that sleep would finally embrace my psyche. There was nothing I had resolved, nothing I knew how to fix. However, I was still determined. I still wanted to dive into the deep end unprepared and give Kuyeya her answer, as well as try and make amends with Conrad.

Hopefully, I did not lose either one of them.

[10:45]

The night had run by at an agonizing pace. I could feel every second of it because sleep continued to elude me for the rest of the night. It did not matter, however, I still planned to do what I had decided on. My nervousness had now mingled with my guilt, to create an even more powerful concoction that continued to corrode my mind. I had to do this, it was the only way to fix things, and I had put it off for long enough. I was already in the car, ready to drive out to Conrad's apartment and try to get through to him. The damage I dealt with had now set in and had been processed as well, and I hope he was more calm and rational. This was my only chance to try and mend our relationship.

I started the car and left my home, moving at speeds I had never driven at before all in hope of getting to Conrad. He was not going anywhere from what I knew, but I still felt the sense to rush, because it seemed to me that with everything second that went by, the pit between us was further expanding.

Given the speed that I had employed, I made it to Conrad's apartment complex in short order. The building had not changed a bit. It still retained its rustic charm and called to me like the first day he and I had arrived here. I still vividly remember the day, when Conrad and I had shown up here in search of homes of our own. The venture was successful. And as a result, we each had our apartments, albeit on different floors. However, we still visited each other on a near-daily basis and had plenty of fun, but that routine soon died when I had to move back home after my hearing incident. We never spent as much time anymore. The distance did not stop him from visiting me at home, however, and I appreciated that. I loved him for it, but perhaps not in the way that he thought.