Fall in Love

Part 9

But that was not the only time for me to feel this way.

The following months were the worst of my life.
I don't remember when I put a smile on my face the last time. I never found out what the reason for our breakup was. May didn't talk to me, we never texted each other.
Except for that one time when she wanted to pick up our stuff at each other's home.

We met in the park she broke up in to give each other bags filled with our stuff. May gave me a sad, pitiful smile back then. I was just numb, without any facial expression. Just like all the other months without her.
I started having panic attacks three times a week, sometimes even more.
I felt like a failure without her.
I was sitting in my room all day and only sometimes went to the bookstore. There was no reason for me to leave my ground. I stopped seeing my friends to get distracted, it didn't help anymore.
Everything was exhausting.
Not even skating made me happy, it just reminded me of May. I slept all day, binge watched Netflix shows and movies or scrolled through social medias, just to end up seeing happy couples and feeling worse, even though I always thought it couldn't get worse.
"All 15 months were for nothing. It's just causing me pain, it was so unnecessary."
I was filled with emptiness and increasingly cruel pain, all by myself, sitting and suffering alone all day.
Why the hell was no one here?
My thoughts were tearing me apart. I needed her.

Was I too young to feel like this?

I had to force myself to go to school.
I wasn't allowed to miss anything, because it was my final and most important year and there were only four months left until it all ended in June.
May still didn't appear in school in the first two months, I didn't see her a single day.

Two months and a half after we broke up, she appeared in my English class. Her best subject, she used to raise her hand to every question, I always admired her for that. But that wasn't the case anymore. She only answered questions when our teacher asked her too, she seemed so broken.
I started to see her more, not only in English, but in all other classes. May was missing some days, but not permanently anymore.
I was glad to see that she was doing a little bit better, since it was clear for me that she felt absolutely terrible.

But I still didn't understand. "What was the reason she broke up? Why is May feeling worse ever since the breakup? Why didn't she just stay then?" Unanswered questions that seemed to never find an answer.                                                                                                                         
We caught each other's attention a lot. I felt her eyes on me whenever she was in the same room as me. I looked at her all the time. Sometimes, we even had eye contact, but one of us broke it, because it was absolutely embarrassing.
There was no communication between us. Just meaningless glances.

Four months went by, I graduated and finally wasn't a student anymore. I had a job in an ice and waffle store, just temporary until I found a study place, but to be honest, I never saw myself doing an exciting job, this little comfortable café was enough for me. I earned enough money as an 18-year-old, still living with his parents. Eventually, I never turned out to do any apprenticeship or study, this is nothing I have to worry about now, 5 years later.

But overall, things were about to change.