If Only You Knew

II. Tracks to a New Life

   From the time I received the acceptance letter to the moment it was time to board the train and leave was anything less than exciting.
  My mother berated me everyday leading up to my departure and my father didn't say anything more than a wow and gave a nasty look as if I wasn't good enough for a smirk or any sign of appeasement.
I shoved my hands in my pockets as I stood waiting for the train to arrive at the station, my mother and father beside me and my little sister playing Barbie's on the cold, hard concrete.
I couldn't believe that my life was about to change in such a drastic manner. I never liked change all that much. It gave me such anxiety and made me want to vomit. I hadn't even been on a train until that moment and the thought of going some odd miles down some steel and wood didn't put my mind at ease. But then again I rode comfortably in a car without any hesitation...
I noticed that a lot of my reasoning and thinking were at times illogical and rather childish. I stood there in silence as my sister's giggles and laughter filled the air. Crispness of the fall wind cut through my light coat, and my hair blew into my eyes. I tried my best to remove it from my face however the wind continued to blow and blow. I shrugged and finally let my hair do what it pleased like an undisciplined child.
'So,' my fathers voice cut through the silence amongst us, 'You're really doing this?' He didn't make eye contact with me.
I turned my face to him, a sign of respect despite his utter displeasure of my choices, and smirked slightly.
'Yes.'
He shook his head as he looked at the ground, turning to meet my gaze, 'I knew you were always a selfish little brat.'
I was taken back by the insult and I looked ahead of me as the train came to a long slow stop. The wheels screeching on the cold tracks, making my ears scream in agony. I covered them with my cold hands and ignored my fathers attempts of discouragement. I was use to it by now.
I gritted my teeth slightly as I clenched my suitcase handle in my palm, anticipating the moment I could board. My sister grabbed my coat sleeve and tugged on it violently, 'Are you really going bye bye?' She questioned as she looked up at me. Her eyes watery and red from the wind.
I looked down and met her gaze. Her hair blonde and freshly curled. Mom took her time curling her hair that morning, being sure that each and every curled stayed and then doused my sisters head in an immense amount of hair spray... I could smell the scent of Aussie hairspray from her hair as she stared up at me. Her face dirty from breakfast and red from the cold.
I'm afraid so,' I say, 'but I will come and visit.'
Her face contorted in a pout and she stared down at her unicorn light up shoes.
'I don't want you to go,' she whined, 'who is going to play with me?'
I let out a sigh as I kneeled down in front of her, allowing my once angled suitcase to pop back up vertically as I let go of the handle.
'I won't be gone forever, besides you have mom and dad to play with you.'
That was something she did have that I never possessed. Attention.

She was mom and dads prized jewel, a trophy perhaps in their eyes. They had always wanted a girl so when I came along it wasn't no surprise that they were displeased and unsatisfied. They fed me, clothed me and housed me, however I never got the feeling that they ever truly wanted me. They didn't attend my school functions, and never cared where I was.
After school I would stay out until early AMs and I wouldn't come home to concerned parents, but rather disappointment for even returning... I swore they were just looking for any reason to send me off somewhere...
Yet, in spite of all of this, they still labeled me selfish and a brat when I did attempt to move out at 16, or if I wanted to go a spend the summer with friends.
They were bothered by my presence and sometimes it felt like even by my existence, yet they never would allow me to go places without my conscious being heavy...

It had only gotten worse when they did have my sister, Elizabeth. 6 years ago they welcomed Elizabeth into the world with open arms and charismatic smiles. Family from all over sent gifts to by Elizabeth, congratulated my parents, offered to buy diapers and bottles and all sorts of stuff. I was happy to have had a sibling at long last, however my 13 year old self had no idea that I would be ultimately placed on the back burner even more than I had already been.   
      Somedays it saddened me, and others it just angered me. I should have been the one receiving adoration from everyone as well. I deserved it. At least I thought I did.
   This lack of attention and even care made me have somewhat of a resentful attitude towards Elizabeth. It wasn't her fault, though my body couldn't help but blame her. She was the little girl they wanted. They didn't want me.