If Only You Knew

I. Acceptance

I found myself sitting on my bed staring down at a snow white envelope, tightly sealed by some strangers saliva. My palms were sweaty as my fingers trembled, carefully trying not to drop it on the floor...
I waited months for this letter and it was finally in my hands. I wasn't sure what to make of it.
    The entirety of my future rested in this very letter, on very few words I imagined. One word could change the direction of my life.
    I thought it funny how much words impacted our lives. The fact that one word could change an entire letter, text, heck even conversation.

    I bit my lip as it quivered slightly. Just open it, I thought. It wasn't that simple for me. I was never confident in my abilities to achieve anything. This letter was going to make or break me, determine whether or not I'm the laughing stock of the family or the family's pride and joy... Hopefully.
      I hesitantly slid my index finger under the folded over part of the envelope and ever so gently moved it across. Being careful to not tear the envelope in half as I always did with every other letter I received...

       The once saliva sealed flap released and I reached in with two fingers and grabbed onto the letter. The paper was thin and light, like a feather.  I shrugged. I set the envelope aside as I gazed down at the folded letter. It was bright white and had the college name on it with the address.
    Stanford was my dream college. It was the college that I had always wanted to attend since I was in middle school. My family thought it was far fetched to dream of going to Stanford, and that it was a waste of time and thought... Nevertheless, I never allowed it to stop me from at least trying...

I applied for Stanford months prior to graduation. I nervously typed in the required information required online, typed a letter as to why I would be a good choice for their school and as soon as I typed the last word, I sent it off. I felt nauseous by lunch time due to the fact I didn't even check the letter for grammatical errors or double check that I had my information entered correctly. When I got home I told my parents about it and they nearly shrugged it off. 
   My parents weren't the type to be proud of good grades or even that I graduated high school. They only cared about money, frankly. Which, I supposed that was because the family name was pretty well off. I never had to worry about not having nice clothes for school or doing without lunch money.
     The only thing my parents cared about was the end of result of everything.

They didn't care about high school, as long as I made it to college. They didn't care what college, as long as I got a degree. And they didn't care what degree as long as it made money and added value to the family name.
   At times it was good, due to the fact I never had pressure to get good grades in order to appease my parents egos. However, other times I wish it could have been different.
    While my friends' parents attended their sporting events, art shows, plays etc. mine hardly showed up to the award ceremonies we held from to time. Once again, they were sadly more concerned about money....

    I shrug as I slowly open the letter, seeing the jet blank ink through the thin paper.
    I closed my eyes for a moment, take a deep breath, and then reopen to read what was written in Times New Roman fonting.

Dear Liam Sheffield.

  Congratulations! It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to the Stanford University....

I couldn't finish reading.
I threw the letter in the air and shouted, 'yes!'
   My heart thumped in my chest as if a stampede of cattle was running through. I jumped up and down and continued to shout.
My bedroom door flung open and my mom appeared in the doorway.
'What's with all the commotion?!' She asked abruptly.

'I got accepted!' I shouted as I gleamed with joy, trying to read her frustrated facial expression. She was hard to read at times since she always looked and seemed angry. But who could have blamed her? She was clearly unhappy with my father, I could tell that much ever since I was 10 years olds. Now here I am 19, and it's clear as day.

'Accepted? Into what?' She perked an eyebrow, not amused in the slightest, but rather irritated.
I quieted down as I scooped the letter up from the floor, running over to show her.
'See look!' I chirped as I held the paper out.
    She snatched it from my hands and looked over it thoroughly.
I patiently awaited a reaction, anything, to show pleasure and delight. However, she just furrowed her brows and handed it back to me.
'Are you sure you're smart enough for that?' She murmured.

  I looked down at the paper, slightly stained from her gardening hands.
'Well, I like to believe that I am,' I stammered, 'I mean, they did accept me.'

'That don't mean nothing,' she scoffed, 'Even the dumbest of people get accepted to good colleges but they end up failing.'
I bit my lip and sighed slightly at her distasteful remarks. She never showed delight or pride in anything I had done or accomplished.
   'Besides, how are you going to pay for that?' She asked almost laughing.

'I can work and I got some scholarships and—'
She stopped me.
'You aren't going to be able to handle full time college classes while working, you're not that good.' She shrugged before turning and walking out of the door frame and down the hall.

  I stood there, not even surprised by her comments. My mom never showed excitement or happiness in others accomplishments. And a part of me knew that, however that inner child still sought out attention and recognition. I longed for some sort of, I'm proud of you, from anyone. Just so I knew someone saw my hardwork and effort... But... that was more far fetched than anything else...

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