If Only You Knew

XI. Irvan Atkins

Chance left the study soon after our fallen out. I went and sat back in the chair I was in. I was baffled by what was said. How could something like that happen? In my family? How could my mother stoop so low? But then again, did she have a good reason?
Although I lived with my parents, I hardly knew anything about them.

How about you ask daddy about his business? I guarantee you it wasn't his idea...

His words pierced my memory. All I ever heard growing up was how successful my father was and how pathetic I was for needing help with things and not being good enough...
It tore me apart, consistently being criticized. No child wants their parents disapproval. No child wants to hear how useless they are coming out of their parents mouths.
It's something that hurts more than anything. That stings a little more. Perhaps cuts a little deeper.
   To be compared to the dirt of the earth and be called every name in the book that was a synonym to disappointment and failure.

To try and please people that you find out is unappeasable. What a waste of energy and time.

'Again,' my father shrugged.
I stared down at math homework that I had from my 10th grade algebra class. I didn't quite understand the subject, so it made it difficult for me to make good grades.
'I just don't understand, dad.' I sighed as I erased the sheet long worth of work I did...
    'How can you not get at least one question right? Are you that stupid?' He shrugged, snatching the pink eraser from me and erased it 10x faster than I could... I watched silently.

   'It goes like this,' he shrugged and quickly showed me how to solve the problem. Too quickly. My head rattled trying to figure out what he just did to get the answer. It began to ache slightly. I winced and he shrugged.
'What's wrong with you now?!'

'N-nothing.' I stammered, taking hold of my pencil. Trying to solve the problem. Nothing. Got it wrong once again. He eventually got up and left me at the kitchen table with nothing but my own thoughts. I was around 14 years of age at the time. About to turn 15 that following month.

My mother walked in shortly after my father left. Her head low and eyes glued to the floor. It looked as if she had been crying. Her make up was shifted and mascara trailed down her cheeks.
'Mom,' I said softly.
She looked up. Her eyes bloodshot and sunken in slightly. 'Are you okay?' I asked.
Her lips curled into a frown as she looked back to the floor.
'I'm fine,' she mumbled as she pulled out a chair across from me and sat down.

There was an awkward silence between us. Neither of my parents were happy. It was as clear as day. My father didn't help with Elizabeth and eventually my mother got fed up. She was hardly around at this point. So, I took care of Elizabeth a lot. She was 1 years old.
She got attention, but when it came to responsibilities, it fell on me. I changed her diapers, made sure she has eaten. I looked out for any sign of illness too. I did all I could to ensure that she would be okay...
Lucky for me, doing so actually made my parents acknowledge me. I never received a thank you, or some sort of recognition. But to be able to be acknowledged without criticism meant the world to me. It felt like things were looking up. Like I was finally pleasing them and doing something right...

'Elizabeth is fed and in bed,' I said lowly, shifting my eyes back to my homework.
'Good,' she shrugged. No thank you. No thanks. No sign of appreciation.
'Where's your father?' She asked bluntly.
I paused for a second, glancing up.
'Err. He left a moment ago. Probably in his study.' I murmured.
'That bastard. All he does is spend time time in that damn study.' She clenched her fists.
She had that sense of anger about her. It radiated off of her like heat radiation on metal.

I didn't say another word. I sat there unsure of what to even say. No words I would say could help her feel any better. I wasn't even sure what was wrong.
     'Y'know...' she started. 'I think life would have been much better if you weren't here.' She sighed, speaking in almost a whisper.
'W-what?' My voice cracked slightly. What was she saying?
'You're a constant reminder of a sin I committed long ago. I didn't want another boy. I wanted a girl. But you... you came first.' She said lowly. Her voice shaking and weak. Cutting in and out.
My brows lowered as my eyes began to sting from tears. My heart felt like it was about to explode as I kept my eyes glued to my paper. At the time, that single word flew over my head.
Another—boy.
I don't know how I didn't catch it. Hell, I'm still confused on the whole situation.