If Only You Knew

V. Campus Errands

  The first night on campus wasn't too bad. Anthony snored like a Snorlax, but other than that I was somewhat comfortable. The smell of a cigarette smoke ridden blanket was somewhat comforting. It reminded me of back home. The way my dad smoked endless cigarettes, and my mom drank endless glasses of wine. My little sister would play with her dolls in the living room while my mom terrorized my father for smoking inside. It reminded me of home, in a weird type of way. But these cigarettes smelled cheap—as if you could tell if one smoked expensive or cheap cigarettes based on scent...
       My father said you could, and perhaps he was right because these ones smelled odd. Smelled worse than the brand name ones.

   Classes start the coming Monday. I felt a gnawing in my chest. I was nervous beyond comprehension. College classes is something I have never experienced. New people. A new place. Everything was changing before my eyes and I couldn't stop it even if I wanted to.
     I wasn't even sure why I was there. It wasn't like my family was happy and proud that I was going off to college, but then again, if I didn't go I was going to be even a bigger failure... Either way I was letting them down. Either way it was like I could never make them happy.

    I blamed it on myself honestly. There were things that I could have been better at. Things that would've made our family more appealing to the rest of the—wealthy families. I wasn't good at croquet. I wasn't good at equestrian riding, or even chess.

'It goes like this, not that Liam!' My father spat harshly as I hit the ball in the wrong direction.
        I shrugged and tried again, missing once again.
'' No no no,' he took the mallet away from me. It left a slight sting in my hand as he snatched it. He always had a way of making me feel inadequate. Unable. Not good enough. Nevertheless, I shrugged it off and tried tried again.
  'Like this,' he hit the ball perfectly through the hoops that were embedded in the perfectly green grass.
    The ball rolled perfectly. No hesitation. It knew it's purpose.
    ' See, it isn't that difficult,' he shoved the mallet into my sore palm, 'Now you do it.'

My hands shook as I lined the mallet up with the ball. I focused. Held my breath with my tongue slightly visible from my lips. It's something I did when I was concentrating.
      I slightly tilted the mallet back, and hit the ball forward.

The ball only rolled a couple of inches forward. I was shaking. I anxiously awaited for my fathers harsh comment. I didn't want to mess up and be criticized for it. I didn't want to be seen as a worthless child with no talents or value to bring to the family...
'Oh god! You are so useless!' He shouted. Throwing his mallet in frustration. Seemingly hopeless in my talents.
I looked down at the ground as he yanked the mallet from my hands.

He yelled profanities in his frustration... I learned to tune it out. It may seem absurd, or even seem like he was overreacting. But truth is, I would have done the same if someone continuously couldn't do anything right. Even something so simple as hitting a croquet ball through a hoop. It would drive me insane. To have something so useless to share a last name with... Something with no talent that would carry on the family name. I would go crazy....

He slapped me upside the head. My head throbbed, and I yelped. It wasn't anything new to be scolded in such a manner. I wasn't the child they wanted and at that, I was invaluable to the family... I brought nothing but dishonor and shame.
At least that's what I believed. That's what I was told.

Mothers and fathers frustrations between each other was taken out on me. I couldn't tell whether they were genuine or not, I just knew they stung. After every fight, scolding etc. my father would go outside onto the patio and light a cigarette. Holding it between his index and middle finger while taking a long drag from it and then releasing the smoke into the night sky as if it were a bird being released from a cage.