You're In My Mind

1 - Squeeze The Pillow Till It Passes

I discovered my world because of my mistakes. The first time I ever saw it, I couldn't believe the beauty that arose from my pile of ashes. And what I still cannot find out, it where it comes from. A portal? Another dimension? Just my imagination? What I did know, was that it only appears when I am so completely overwrought with emotions, when my mind is so lost in thoughts, when I have no choice but to let the darkness consume me, my little world lets me in. I close my eyes then try to breath, and when I open them, I'm there. The colors of my imagination paint this perfect escape that's just for me. 

~                                                   ~                                                  ~

The heartbreak stung tears in my eyes, I had to get out of here. I could feel the tears swelling, the panic attack on the verge of bursting like a balloon. I fled the living room ignoring the stares and overwhelming chatter. Up the stairs, and around the corner---my eyes a blurry, glossy layer---and then the slamming of my bedroom door. I held in sobs, choking on each small breath. My nose and eyes burned as I tried to stay silent. I'd already caused enough problems today. I closed my eyes and tried to breath, feeling crushed by the weight everyone else seemed to be oblivious to. My head pounded as frantic knocks on my door drummed in my ears---louder---until I could barley stand it. The doorknob turned slightly and I was about to let go---then, it all fell silent. 

The pounding stopped. Did I pass out? My lungs filled with sweet, fresh air. I wiped the blurry tears from my eyes, and fell to my knees. My room. . .the voices. . .was gone. Vivid colors came to life before me. I could smell flowers in the air, I could feel the light buoyancy of the atmosphere. Where in the world was I?  I closed my eyes once more, I had to be dreaming. I visioned pink leaves blowing gently in the breeze, I visioned a bright sunset, I visioned the most breathtaking crystal river, then I opened my eyes. My vision, quite literally, came to life before me.

I am sure I passed out. What was happening? I thought of the serene melody of a piano, and the clouds transformed into the most magical, dumfounding musical notes that began to sing my favorite instrumentals. I lay down in the vibrant, green grass beneath all the beauty and stared up into the bliss. All the sorrow felt a thousand miles away, a thousand lifetimes ago, and soon, I drifted to sleep.

~                                                   ~                                             ~

When I awoke, I stared at the boring white ceiling above my bedroom. Sitting up, I looked into the mirror  to see the same broken girl I was before---the dream?---and I yawned in exhaustion. Magic didn't exist, just the sad reality of shattered dreams. I wanted to go back there; I wanted to never leave. If that paradise actually existed, what was the key to opening it? The key to the secret garden? 

I thought about this until I decided I should get up. Slapping water on my face, I gazed at the empty reflection. Mascara trickled down my glossy eyes, my chocolate brown hair a mess, and my bitten lips chapped raw. I felt nothing here. For a moment I was frustrated with myself. I am such a mess, Morgan, you're better than this. But then I realized I didn't care what I looked like at all, even if you would assume I haven't slept in a straight week. Which that was partially true. I'd felt as if a heavy raincloud hovered above my head, taunting me with my loss of freedom, eventually becoming so loud it scrambled my thoughts until sleep was definitely out of question. I brushed my teeth and nonchalantly left the bathroom, not caring to glance back in the mirror.

I could hear the family talking downstairs, my siblings giggling at the T.V. Everything felt in place. Except for me. I felt like I was the missing puzzle piece, drifting too far from the box. As I approached the staircase, their gaze fell upon where I stood awkwardly. Hey, fam, sorry I fled the room crying last night and---uh---slammed the door. Love you guys. I ignored their questioning eyes and glided down the stairs step by step, keeping my gaze aimed to the ground. Just make it to the kitchen. I couldn't bare to look at their faces that fell upon their disappointment of a daughter. Suddenly, I felt sick. I briskly fled through the living room---flashbacks of last night threatening to knock me over---and into the solitude of the empty kitchen. I couldn't bring myself to eat even though I know I should; this definitely isn't healthy. I knew I would feel dizzy later. However, I could do coffee.  It's satisfying warmness drowning out the headache immediately like a drug. Maybe it was the coffee that inspired me to wake up today, or everyday this summer. Though, at this point I no longer cared.

~                                                             ~                                                    ~

Back in the comfort of my bedroom, I sipped on my hot cup of caffeine. I thought of nothing but absence. Even if I could formulate a hundred thoughts, ninety-nine of them would be how to get back to the beautiful Lalaland of my dreams. I tried not to think at all, it was better that way. But unfortunately, the more I think  about not thinking, I think. I could never win the war within my mind, I always ended up being alone. My mind went back and forth from bliss to nothing to something to everything at once. Oh no. My eyes began to water. I was just on the brink of another meltdown. You're okay, just. . .squeeze the pillow till it passes. . .count to ten. . .one, two, three, fo-

~ Flashback ~

"You FILTHY, UNWORTHY, little girl!" The man with no name screamed in my face, spit particles landing on my cheeks. I couldn't even wince, I was frozen solid. "Scared?"

I shook my head. I'm terrified. "GOOD. Because you DON'T want to see what happens to you if you even say a WORD. GOT THAT?"

Shaking, I nodded. "YOU SURE?" He slapped my cheek, and it burned immensely; but I held in the sobs. I nodded again, bracing myself in case he hit me again. I want my mom and dad. Please find me.

~                                                           ~                                                  ~

A blinding light. I braced myself, shielding my eyes. Then, as the madness seemed at bay, I opened my eyes once more. My mouth hung open. It was. . .the dream! I was back! Quickly, I began to play around, desperate to test the limits of this little heaven. My mind swarmed from cotton candy clouds to crystal palaces, from honey colored trees to a bright blue pond. I needed nothing else. But then, as I was taking in the beauty for the second time around, a single thought pondered on my heart. I had all I could ever want just appear before me. But yet, I was still alone. But before I could let the realization sway me to tears, something odd happened.

A voice. I froze. It was the voice of an angel, sweet and soothing. "What's wrong?" He asked in a sing-songy voice.

I hesitated, baffled. "Uh--umm. . .I'm fine-"

The atmosphere seemed to change. I could feel his concern, so deeply it's hard to put into words. "You look like you've been crying, umm-"

"It's Morgan," I interrupted. "and I'm okay. . .really, really, okay."

"You sure. . ?"

"Mhm. I'm fine," I said, then thought a moment, "wait, do you know how I got here? Also, who are you? You weren't here last time. Like, What is this place?"

"Do you remember what you were doing right before you appeared here?" He questioned.

I racked my brain, trying to come up with a good enough answer. Absolutely nothing, crying---a lot---and drank coffee. "I was, uh, nothing. Having a bad day."

I could feel his energy, he knew something, he'd just solved it. How weird. "You're just like me." He stated in disbelief.