You're In My Mind

6 - When I Knew

We walked quietly side by side, the pitter-patter of our footsteps almost in a synchronized melody. Was the "cloud" or "bubble" we were now lost in acting as a puzzle? An escape room? I thought harder and deeper as Evan continued on. If this world let you in by emotions, could it somehow run off them too? 

Oh, no. It's me. I'm the reason we're here. It seemed like moments ago that we were resting on the cushioned swing, candles glowing the scene. It seemed only seconds had gone by since I conjured up. . .feelings; whatever they meant. Still, it didn't explain why the world was showing me this.

"Hey, Evan?" I questioned unsurely. He looked over at me, his eyes swimming with curiosity. I carried on, "So, what if, we're in a giant cloud escape room?"

He chucked. "A giant cloud escape room?"

I laughed. "Sort of. Like we're inside a puzzle or something."

He thought a second with a pondering look then said, "So, if we were in a escape room. . .what exactly would be the key?"

I shrugged, unable to confide in the truth. Obviously, there must be an alternative to confessing my. . .feelings? "Welp, we could keep going, but I don't see anything but pink skies for miles."

"Hmm. We wait it out?"

"I don't know?"

Sighing, I hung my head and then bent down to sit in the plush grass. I rested my head in my hands and tried to think logically. Who am I kidding?  Logically speaking, this whole place isn't logical.

"Guess that's what we're doing then." He smirked, then resting near me and laying down on his back, elbows above his head, and staring at the bubble gum clouds above.  I smiled in response and focused on nothing but the simplicity of this very moment. I needed a single, solitary second to sort through the rollercoaster in my mind. How did this happen? How can I get us out of here? How could I ever admit. . .or commit to-

"Hellooo?" Evan pulled me from my zone, waving his hand in front of me.

"Mhm?"

"What are you so worked up about?" Curse this unbreakable bond.

I continued to stare blankly up, unable to meet his eyes. "I'm. . .I don't even know-"

Interrupting, he continued to press, "I can still feel something, Morgan. Like, anxious---oh, wait, I know---like you're trying to figure something out."

I finally met his eyes, immediately regretting it. He'd seen right through me. How can I keep on lying? Not just to Evan, but to myself. Ever since what happened when I was fifteen, I hadn't been able to open up to anybody. I shut my parents out, ghosted my friends, and let all the bottled up emotions and feelings I still had left, sink to the depths of the ocean. But this perfect little paradise. . .This capsule of my dreams and buried emotions. . .And then there was Evan. I spent so long denying the possibility of feelings that I lost sight of all the wonderful things that could come from them.

I sigh, and close my eyes, defeated. Seconds pass, and I am only greeted with silence to answer the innermost questions within. Upon opening my eyes, I sit up momentarily confused. The sky was no longer pink. The grass I lazily had laid back in ceased to exist. I stood quickly and spun around to be feet away from Evan who stared up at the sky perplexed.

"Evan?"

He turned to me, relief flooding his countenance. "Did you do that?"

"Do what---we were sitting there and---"

". . .and we poofed from the literal sky!"

"We did?"

"Yeah, it's like. . .I felt this jolt in me like something was about to happen. You were really thinking about something important, huh?"

"I don't-"

"Because whatever you were thinking about-"

I chimed in, a sudden lightbulb forming in my mind. "Was the key!"

He smiled in awe. "Exactly."

We took a moment to let that sink in. I immediately thought back to what I was reflecting on just moments ago, feelings, of all sorts. Figuring things out, winning a battle for the war inside my head. I wasn't completely shut down, I allowed myself to actually feel something for Evan. For myself. But do I dare tell him? Maybe it'd be best to keep myself in order, to know my feelings first instead of try to commit to someone else? Whatever the answer, at least I knew how to keep going for now. At least I knew the key; allowing myself to feel my spiraling emotions.

I glanced up quickly when Evan disturbed my profound trail of thoughts. "So. . .?"

"So. . .what?" I replied in a teasing tone.

"Are you gonna tell me what you were thinking?"

I sighed, then looked up to the heavens hoping God would save me from this conversation.

"I take that as a no?"

Hesitating, I spoke softly, "For now." 

His playful disposition altered into a concerned expression, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

"I want to. I just. . .can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm scared."

"Morgan, why would you be scared to tell me something?"

"Because," I stared to say, trying to formulate the words, "what if it mean's nothing?" I laughed quietly, nervous.

"Look. If it's what you think, it has to mean something."

I smiled at his genuine care, and quickly prepared myself for what was to come. "Okay," I finally admitted. "I was thinking how ever since I was fifteen, I kinda shut down all my feelings. But when I came here---when I met you---everything changed. And I tried to just keep denying it, but then the whole cloud thing happened and I just knew."

For a moment, he didn't say anything and just continued to look into my eyes. I tried to search them, but found only unsaid words trying to be said. When he spoke, it was soft and gentle like the wind swaying through blades of grass, "Remember when I took you to the cave?"

"Of course."

His eyes sparkled, "That was when I knew."

I was lost of words, taken aback by the affection rapidly swelling deep in my chest. Knowing my emotions to escape the cloud of my innermost feelings was one thing, but Evan. . . was the key to my fragile heart.