You're In My Mind

5 - Falling

I sat upright, crisscrossed, underneath a thin soft blanket on my bed. I felt at ease, without a care in the world. I warmly thought back on the other night, carelessly creating little images in the sky with Evan. It was as if the bad memories were dulled, almost imperceptible. It was as if for the first time in a long time, those memories were being replaced for good.

Almost.

Foolishly, I glanced into the mirror propped against my wall. In the glass, I saw him. I gasped, suddenly unable to breath. My heart quickened, and tears were beginning to form at the corners of my eyes. It's not real. Do what they taught you in counseling. I stood up, turning away from the mirror. It's only in your head. I paced back and forth in the small space of my bedroom, an urge to escape. Leaning against the door, I sink to the floor in a ball. Sobs overtake me. Morgan, he isn't here, he's locked up in a cell. He is far, far away from harming me. One, Two, Thre-

"Morgan?" A familiar voice calls from above.

I look up in question, and I recoil in embarrassment. Evan hovers above me, standing in the world as if he's stuck in a dream bubble. Sticking out of this dreamlike cloud, is his hand. 

"Wanna take a walk?" He smiles.

I meet his eyes, and wonder what he must be thinking of me right now. My eyes red and puffy, anxious and shaking, like glass about to shatter. But I nod, taking his warm hand in mine as he lifts me from reality and into the dream.

~                           ~                              ~

Evan led me down a path I've never seen before, and I start to wonder if he only just conjured it up. The pathway is beautiful. The kind you see in fairytales, overgrown and cobblestone. Along either side of the path are floating little lanterns all sort of warm colors. The sky painted sunset.

"Where are we going?" I ask in a thoughtful daze.

"Honestly, I don't know. I'm thinking. . .a cushioned bench swing."

I let out a quite laugh, "That's oddly specific."

"Whatever the heart wants, the heart wants."

"Touché." 

As we walk along, he promises we're nearing the swing, but silence then takes over. Being here, with Evan, and oblivious to my meltdown moments ago. In the most simple way stated, it was nice to be away.

"Morgan?"

"Hmm?" I reply, zoning out of my thoughts.

"Are you. .okay now?" There it is. The bond. He's feeling concerned, and compassionate? He truly cares about my answer.

"Of course I do." He says quietly, answering the questions in my mind.

In a state of awe, I begin to explain. Meltdowns happen every once in a while. When I had told my counselor that I was seeing the man in my room, sitting at the kitchen table, or through a car window, she helped me come up with ways to steady myself in the midst of the illusion. One, tell myself to breath. Two, tell myself it's just in my head and it's not real. Three, tell myself I am safe. Sometimes, this method is helpful. But the few moments when I am totally submerged in the darkness, I can't tell myself to breath or to be okay, I only get pulled further in. 

"I didn't know you were going through that, M'." I smiled weakly at his concern.

"You know what? I don't wanna think about that right now." I said quietly.

He smiled, his eyes becoming soft as clouds, "Me either, plus, we should be there. . ." He paused, dragging on, ". . .Now." 

Surely enough, a few steps later we arrived. The oddly specific cushioned swing hung delicately from the beautifully vibrant tree. Pretty vines wrapped around the ropes that tied the swing to the giant branch above. Floating candles hovered aimlessly around, lighting the small yet cozy area. Evan walked over to the swing and motioned for me to sit next to him. For a moment, I took it all in. Why wasn't the real world this lovely? I studied Evan contently as the flickers of candlelight glowed in his beautiful eyes. I never imagined myself to be here just weeks ago, lost in the bliss of Evan and I's imaginations. 

He broke the silence, "So, you like it?"

I chuckled in disbelief, "Like it? I love it. Evan. . .this is unbelievable." 

He laughed along in relief, "I was hoping you'd say that. Otherwise, this would be very awkward right about now." He said, running his hands through his hair.

"Would it?"

"Yup. I would be all 'I thought this all up for you, M!' and then you would be all like 'is he obsessed with me or something? This is all too much. Geesh, candle's too?'." He laughed.

He. . .said what? Is he? It all seemed too perfect, the candles, the porch swing, just the overall romantic feel to the place. But instead of listening to the feeling deep within my gut, I reeled in my confusing emotions and laughed along.

I looked at him warmly, his eyes displaying the warmth I felt within. "Thank you for this."

"That's what friends are-" He began to say, then stopped dead in his tracks. I followed his gaze to what he was suddenly fixed on in perplexity. A pink, glowing, hole in the sky just above our heads.

"What is it?" I inquire, barely forming a whisper.

"I don't know. A portal or something?"

I continued to stare up in wonder. "Maybe it's-"

Then suddenly, all in one instant moment, I was not sitting next to Evan. The world we were once in faded like a put out fire. There was darkness, nothing really visible. Then, I was. . .falling. The pit of my stomach dropped violently. Panicking, I tried to make out the ground below me. How could I possibly survive this? 

Grass. I saw grass. Am I still in my imagination? I was about to hit. I braced myself, clenching my eyes shut. Then. . .I didn't hit. Slowly opening my eyes, I realized I lay gently in soft, feathery grass. What broke my fall? How am I not dead? Is this heaven? Where's Evan? I sit up, examining the setting around me. The sky was pink in every direction, with a goldish, glowing hue. Oh my gosh. . .I fell into the giant hole in the sky. 

"Evan!" I called out. "Can you hear me?!"

A second of silence, then a faint answer, "Over here!"

"I can't see you!" I stood up, walking in the direction of his voice.

"Turn around!" He called, and I quickly whipped around. Evan stood feet away, safe and sound. I let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank God." I breathed.

He grinned, "Miss me?"

"Yeah, yeah. Where are we?"

"No clue. It's like. . .we were talking normally-"

"Yeah, so what changed?" I questioned. But as soon as it came out, a realization took ahold of me. I changed. I felt something back there. But I wouldn't let him know it, not just yet. It was too soon, was I ready for that? I had to stop thinking, had to change the subject in my mind. 

"Well, we could walk around and see if we find anything?" He suggested. 

With that, I nodded and followed behind him as he began to walk forward. I stayed quiet, silently regretting not speaking up. But I had to, for my sake and for his. It was almost ironic though, I did fall. But I couldn't. . .I couldn't have feelings yet.