You're In My Mind

9 - Blind

I lay dazed in bed, thinking of the perfect kiss that caused my wall to finally fall. Evan was the source of my happiness. . .he helped me see new parts of myself, and he showed me what I was always missing. What did this mean? I foolishly cover my face with my pillow and smile. . .Evan loves me. My mind is fuzzy and I feel as if I'm laying on clouds, so light and airy. Where was the cloud of smoke that always used to haunt me? Where was the lingering feeling of emptiness, of lost love, of jumpy fright every time I turned around? 

I simply could not put a finger on it. It's as if they all dissipated like the feeling bubbles. The love I now felt was as clear as the floor in my room, open. I had to get back to Evan. . .

Later that afternoon, I look out my window and notice the leaves are adapting to autumn; the once lush green of the forest beyond my house alternated into a vibrant, gentle, array of oranges and reds and yellows. It was fascinating, really. Have you ever just stared at nature? I guess I never allowed myself to really see the beauty of it. It's amazing how much you start to see when the smoke clears, and reveals what was always behind it. Smiling to myself, I gaze in the mirror. 

My hair is darker, my eyes more vibrant, my skin less pale. I was adapting to my newfound happiness, to the sun, to feeling again. . .just as the leaves grow warmer against the chilly October breeze. The visible change in my appearance was almost striking to me. Or maybe, I was only seeing myself from a better perspective now. Whatever the case, I was content. I wish Evan was here, in real life, to admire the trees with me. That got me thinking. . .

Could it ever be?

We're him and I just two souls trapped in the allusion of paradise? Would we wake up, and lose each other forever? What if one day, our little world decided we were okay again? And. . .closed the portal between our meetings? No more paradise, no more us? The thought scared me more than death. I cannot live without Evan. . .we need each other. We just---it can't happen. I won't allow it---we won't allow it. I had to talk to Evan, now. 

Paradise, are you there? Can you let me in? I can't---what would I do? I begin to panic and plead to the universe, but even the stars seemed to ignore me now. I close my eyes and try to breathe. Please. . .I pray to the God above, the portal has to open, if I opened my eyes to find my bedroom, I would be hopeless. 

One, two, three. . .

I open my eyes, and feel arms enclose around me. I barely catch my breath before Evan's worried eyes meet mine.

"The portal-" I begin to say, "it wasn't working. . .I couldn't-"

"I couldn't see you, M'." He states in a panicked voice. 

My mouth drops, "What do you mean you couldn't see me?"

He takes my hand, and leads me to a patch of grass we lay in often. When we sit down, I take his hand and look into his eyes. He lowers his head. 

"What's wrong?" I gently question.

"M'. . .I can always see you. I can see before you enter the world, I can see you in the real world. . .but only when you need me. It's instinct. I can't control it. I always know before you enter. Always."

I sat in silent shock, unable to comprehend. "You never told me."

"It wasn't ever all-too important. I thought we were synced. I thought you could do the same with me."

"I can't. . ." I state, my voice trailing off, "wait. so when you said you couldn't see me-"

"It was like I was blind. I didn't feel you. I didn't know you entered. I was sitting here, waiting for you to show. . .I thought I lost you, M'."

A tear trickled down my cheek. Evan could always see me? He knew? But now he can't? First my entrance is blocked, and now his vision? A fear began to reside in the back of my mind, almost like a headache. The pit of my stomach felt empty. What does all this mean?

I wrap my arms around him, breathing him in. "You didn't lose me. I'm still here."

He learned into me and let out a shaky breath, "But for how long?" He asked, like there was a serious weight to the words he carried.

For a very long moment, I don't answer him. Only silence fills the void of the unknown. That's what terrifies me the most, not knowing. What if our paradise locked us out forever. . .and blocked all communication? If we were doomed to only the reality of the outside world, where instead of imagining clouds or colors into existence, we would have to imagine of what once was. 

"Evan. . ." I say as another teardrop falls. He meets my blurry gaze as I continue, "The real world. We could meet. ..out there."

It's as if a spark ignited in his eyes, and he smiled. "Morgan. . .Why haven't we already tried?"

I sat back and looked out into the distance of pink skies and lavender trees. "We never had to. I guess we just never thought about it."

"M', whatever happens, promise me this, okay?"

I let out a breath, "I promise."

He takes my face in his hands, "Find me in the real world."