Titanium Promises

Thirteen

TW: mentions of self-harm

I'm woken up by a groaning sound. It sounds like someone's in pain, which sends fear rushing over me. I sit up, rub my eyes, and look around.

It's still dark outside, which makes it difficult to tell what's a duffel bag, and what's a person sitting in the armchair. The door is still locked, thankfully, so now I'm just confused. I kick away my blankets that ended up wrapping around my legs somehow and peer over the side of the bed.

The sounds are coming from Luke. Moonlight glistens off the tears on his cheeks, and it reveals the horrible grimace on his face. I jump off the bed and sit down next to him, hesitating at first to touch him. If his mind is in a dark place, it might be hard for him to tell what's a dream and what's real when he wakes up.

"Just shoot it," he mutters, a sharper grimace appearing on his face. His hands are wrapped tightly around his pillow as he pulls it closer. "Shoot the gun."

I ignore my cautionary thoughts and lay my hand on his shoulder. "Luke?"

He jerks awake, immediately grabbing the front of the hoodie I fell asleep in, and wrenching me towards him. The second he recognizes who I am, he releases me.

"Jesus, Reid." He jokingly pushes me away. "Don't scare me like that."

"You were... muttering things." I fix his hair, and he stares at me with caring eyes the whole time I do.

"What were you dreaming about?" I ask. I really want to know, but I'm scared to find out at the same time.

Fear flashes in his eyes. "It's nothing." He goes to stand up, and I lightly pull him back down.

"Luke, please talk to me. This whole thing is fucked up, but I want us to be okay. You can tell me anything. I care more than you know."

"There's not much to tell," he says, a little too forcefully. "It was just an old memory, a bad one. It was..." He sighs out a shaky breath. "I was reliving my first hit."

My heart picks up speed.

"I remember being excited that morning, excited and determined. But once I got there and I was actually holding the gun...I couldn't do it."

I kiss him on the forehead and hold his head in my hands. "You don't have to hide from what you did in the past."

I rub his cheek with my thumb, and he kisses my fingers. His eyes catch a mark on my wrist, and he goes to pull down the sleeve of my hoodie. I instinctively jerk my hand back and cradle it against my chest.

He just stares at me. "Reid—"

"Don't say anything," I say, shaking my head. "It's nothing."

"If I can't say 'It's nothing,' neither can you." His voice turns stern. "This isn't just something you can brush off."

I don't look at him. I can't. I told myself to never tell anyone about this, especially not my dad. My dad thinks I'm getting better, that's what the pills are for. I told myself I could get over it without anybody's help. I can kick depression's ass without anyone else's support.

But it doesn't work like that.

My breath gets caught in my throat, and I do my best to hide the tears brewing in my eyes.

I can't cry. But I can't stop.

I try to push Luke away when he comes closer, but I'm too overwhelmed to make a difference. He moves behind me and wraps his strong arms around my abdomen.

"No," I mutter, trying to pull away.

I've hid it for this long. He can't know—What would he think of me?