skullcrusher

strawberry season

REASONS NOT TO KISS HIM:

1. you will fantasize about a sunny spring day but it will not happen in spring, because it never happens in spring and that's an urban legend. it will not happen with pollen in your eyelashes and flowers in your hair, not accompanied by the smell of wet grass or the blooming trees. you will not love him in spring. he will be gone by then.

2. it will not suffice. holding him close and kissing his hair will not be enough to end your own anguish, and wiping his pretty tears will not wipe away his ugly troubles. it will not suffice. you will not suffice.

3. you will get tired, and so will he. you swoon now, but what is there to look forward to if you know he loves you too? what can you give him that he doesn't already have? you will get tired, despite him. you always do.

4. he cannot love you, because who could? you are a freak, a creature. you are tainted, you are dirty, there are handprints on your skin, bags under your eyes and scars under your chest. he likes handsome boys and you are not one, you will never be, despite your best efforts; you are a monster with spare and lacking parts, with a chemical imbalance, with worms in your brain. he cannot love you. nobody can.

5. he will not sleep with you. he will not look at you like you hung the stars when you get on top of him or when he gets on top of you. you will not make him cry as you hold his waist. you will not curse whoever dared associate love with femininity, because you, both, the masculines, dared love each other against all odds. he will not sleep with you. you don't fucking deserve it.

6. he will not look at you. you are disgusting, you are angry, you are dangerous and you are too flawed. you are gaining weight, you have something else between your thighs, you haven't showered and your hair will never look right. he will not look at you, so don't look at him.

7. it will hurt when he leaves, because he will, and you won't be able to handle it. he will hurt you because you will hurt him, because you always fuck it up, and you are always the problem. it will hurt when he leaves. you will wish you had never met.

8. it's not meant to be. nothing is meant to be, you are incapable of loving correctly. you can kiss him when you learn how to love. you can kiss him when you are lovable. you can kiss him when it is meant to be.

9. you will survive without him. you are stronger than you look, you will take life by the wrists and you will slam it down onto the ground. you are not codependant, don't you dare be, you will get hurt, you always get hurt. you two are just friends. you will survive without him. you will survive winter.

10. and what if he does love you? what will you do then?