skullcrusher

i love you too golden blue

sometimes my hearts look more like livers. my friends say that, for someone who can draw so well, my handwriting looks like it was rather written using a left foot. i'd like to write you a letter, but it'd never go through. i don't know where you are. i dont know how to distinguish my v's and my n's. i'm a poet, not a writer.

i give you this: i can't ask you not to leave me. empty time loops around my throat. i will forgive you again, and again, and again, if we grow so far apart our backs touch again. i think of you in a young spring. early morning golden light on dewy grass. fresh air and white daisies. picnic blankets. jumbled, warm words. we don't talk like we used to. i miss your wide smile in the evenings.

remember how our decembers were filled with endless conversation? you loved me when i went on and on for hours about nothing you cared about. you loved me when my spark had faded, and then when it came back too fiery. well, i hope you did, then, too. all i know now is you were there. i hope you still are when i break again. my failure is inevitable. i hope you still love me if i buy a new sharpener.

and i hope you don't forget me. it curls around the tip of my tongue for what feels like forever. i think your love is like the only blue hydrangea in my grandmother's pink and purple garden; rare, and solitary, and beautiful. i hope i get to keep it when it's time for it to go. i'm hoping it's not time, though. i hope it gets too bloom for as long as it may. i hope you don't forget me. i hope it, in its softness, can survive another winter.

sometimes my hearts look more like livers. i'd like to write you a letter, so you have no choice but to remember i exist. i want to be real to you, the way you're real to me. i think of your gray eyes in the yellow of a sundown, your silky hair between my rough fingers with your head in my lap. i miss you on my lips like the syllables of a rhythmical poem. what was that melody along it? the sound of a lonely viola tainted by the hum of silence. to have known you is a familiar melancholy tune i can't remember where i heard, but i can't seem to forget. i cannot ask you not to leave me. i'm only good at belonging to my madness. though, can't you wait with me for the end of the composition? i am hoping the catharsis reminds you that you knew me, too. i am hoping you don't forget me. i am hoping your heart will remember the song of our shared time if you hear it just once more.

and i remember you, in the summer. you chose me over a boy you dreamt of every night. heavy vowels slipped out of your mind and into the air. hvala što me slušaš. your voice is a whisper that puts me to sleep when woes drench my pillow. i would listen to it until my ears bled. i would listen to your stories if we stopped speaking the same language.

i can't ask you to fall in love with me again. i know your tears still stick to your pretty eyelashes when you feel lost. i know how you still get lonely at my side. my consolations are as bad as my handwriting. but can you think of me? not today, if you mustn't. not tomorrow. not when we break each other's hearts like we have so many times. but remember me, once. not actively, not thoughtfully, not on purpose. think of me, at least once more in your lifetime, on an april day, when cherry trees are blooming, and the scent reminds you of something old, and soft, and then seemingly everlasting. think of me when you love someone else. think of me when someone can love you better.
i know i will love you if i can never again face you fully. i can't ask the same of you. i can't let you lose yourself to a level of devotion equal to mine. to romanticize as hard as me is to suffer: go live your life without me. go dream of the boy from the beach. go back to your saturn, if you will, but sometime, when you are alone in your room, or walking the street, or drowning out the public with a loud, mean song, give me the hiccups.

let me dream of you once more, when the feeling of your soul touching mine has left for good. i need to remember you like i need to breathe. i cannot betray you by losing precious time to the faultiness of growing. you loved me, first. if i can't love you last, i can try to love you until my heart stops beating.