Fourteen Beers at Chili's

Page 21

If you're going to fuck around instead of studying for finals, you decide you better make the most out of it. If that means smoking a blunt in the Chili's bathroom, then by God you're going to do it.
You give a small nod as to not tip off the others, and Kyle slowly stands from his seat to saunter to the bathroom. After a minute or two, you follow suit.

The bathroom is empty except for you and Kyle, and you can see his boat shoes under the handicap stall door. Hearing you enter, he peeks out of the stall. The two of you giggle like schoolboys as your eyes meet. He's acting like he's already high, and to be fair, he probably is.

"Get in here, bro." He waves you over.

You don't need to be told twice. You enter the stall, and Kyle quickly locks the door behind you. Withdrawing a red bic lighter and a tightly rolled joint, he sparks it up and takes a long puff. Leaning his head back, he blows the smoke towards the vent on the ceiling. You breathe a sigh of relief when the fire alarm doesn't immediately go off. That's probably dangerous, but that's not your problem.

Now it's your turn. Kyle hands you the blunt, and you take a mighty rip. The smoke is like a sucker punch straight to your lungs, and despite your best effort, you break out into a coughing fit. You double over, and Kyle pounds on your back like you're choking. If it wasn't clear you were an amateur before, it sure as hell is now. Kyle doesn't seem bothered though as he takes the blunt back for his turn.

After a few rounds of puff puff pass, a colorful swirl rolls across your vision like a wave cresting on the beach. You turn your head to watch as it dissolves into a kaleidoscope of rainbow butterflies. This is some fucking good weed. Is weed supposed to make you hallucinate? You don't think so.

"Oh, shit!" Kyle exclaims. You look at him only to find that he's been replaced by the big red Charmin bear. "This was the wrong fucking blunt. I was supposed to save this for after finals week."

"What do you mean its the wrong blunt?"

"It's laced with PCP, bro. Fuck!"

In your altered state, you can't quite remember what PCP is exactly, but you're sure its a much harder drug than what you signed up for. Smoking weed in the Chili's bathroom is fun and whimsical; smoking PCP in the Chili's bathroom is something a junkie would do. You start to panic as the gravity of the situation settles down on you. You've never been high like this before, and you sure as hell don't know how to handle it.

Is the bathroom on fire? White smoke hangs in the air like a thick fog. You tug at your shirt collar as a bead of sweat rolls down your neck. It's way too fucking hot in here. You need to get out. Kyle pats your shoulder with his big furry bear paw, trying to calm you down. Naturally a bear, even the Charmin bear, coming at you isn't going to make you relax. In fact, the Charmin bear is the last bear you want to see in a restroom. If you aren't careful, he'll probably try to wipe your ass. Those Charmin bears are weirdly obsessed with ass wiping.

"Get the fuck away from me!" You shove Kyle and scramble to get out of the stall. The lock is stuck. In a moment of desperation, you drop to your knees to crawl out. The antiseptic smell wafting from the tile floor indicates the room was recently mopped. Those Chili's employees are really on top of their shit.

As your fingers wrap around the bathroom door handle, you pause to watch a chupacabra climb out of the trash can. Bits of paper towel stick to its matted brown fur. Its yellow eyes lock onto you. Fuck that! You yank the door open and step out into the dining room.

The once nearly empty restaurant is now packed with people. Next to the endlessly long table of bros sits a group of ninjas. They're clad in the stereotypical black garb, their faces covered, as they flip through their menus. It's as if the entire semester of playing Mortal Kombat rather than studying hits you all at once. You know what you have to do, but you aren't sure you want to disturb the other patrons.

Do you...

FIGHT THE NINJAS (GO TO PAGE 23)RETURN TO YOUR TABLE (GO TO PAGE 24)

BEER COUNTER: 4