Fourteen Beers at Chili's

Page 23

Just because the ninjas are acting chill now doesn't mean that they aren't a threat. You'll solve the problem before one starts. You're sure you'll go down in history as the man who saved innocent Chili's diners from a full-blown ninja attack. Nobody will get a shuriken to the back or karate chop to the face on your watch. Nobody except the ninjas after you whip their asses!

As you make your way to the table of ninjas, the restaurant melts away into an ancient valley. Mountains surround you, mist curling around their snowy peaks. Red leafed maple trees light up the area like a forest fire. The scene reminds you of something straight out of Ghost of Tsushima, except you don't have a sick ass katana. You only have your fists to rely on.

The ninjas stand in a row to face you. There must be at least ten of them. Acutely aware of how outnumbered you are, you take a deep breath to calm yourself. The fight would be easier if the bros had your back, but you don't want their help. They don't need to get any blood on their hands. That's a burden you alone will carry. You lower yourself into a crouch and you raise your hands in a sick karate pose.

This is about to be the fight of your life.

The ninjas rush you one at a time, just like they do in the karate movies. How convenient. You move with a purposeful discipline you didn't know you were capable of as your hand shoots out to smack down the first ninja. The side of your hand connects expertly with his neck, causing him to vanish in a puff of black smoke.

That one song from Kung Fu Panda booms down from the mountaintops. Everybody is indeed kung fu fighting, and the music strengthens your resolve. You're fully in the groove as you knock down ninja after ninja. A karate chop here, a roundhouse kick there. You're fucking unstoppable. None of them have been able to land a single hit on you.

Then the samurai show up, and you're really in Ghost of Tsushima. The light glinting off the blades of their katanas blinds you, causing you to stumble backwards in dazed confusion. The tables are turning fast. The samurai shout at you, but you don't speak Japanese. A bolt of lightning rips through the grey clouds, lighting up the sky as the bolt crashes into you. Everything goes dark as you hit the ground.

///

You awake on a cold stone surface. The pounding in your head makes it nearly impossible for you to come to your senses. After a few long moments, you manage to open your eyes and drag yourself into a sitting position. To your surprise, you see you are behind bars in some sort of cell.
Is this the ninja's lair?

Hesitant and weak, you rise to your feet and stumble forward, gripping the bars to steady yourself. You peek out to access the situation. There aren't any ninjas around as far as you can see. That's probably a good sign, right? Faint murmuring comes from outside your line of sight. You lean through the bars as much as you can, struggling to make out the words.

"Chaos ensued at a neighborhood Chili's last night as a crazed man attacked a children's karate club. Witnesses say the man burst out of the bathroom and headed straight for the children. He severely injured nearly the entire club before he was subdued by the police and taken into custody. Police say the suspect, a local college student, does not have a previous history of violence."

Oh fuck. You slide down the cold bars and sink to the floor. This can't be happening. If only you hadn't tried to look cool in front of that stoner burnout, Kyle. You aren't sure what will happen to you now, but at least you probably won't have to take your finals.

END.BEER COUNTER: 4