Fourteen Beers at Chili's

Page 25

"Give me the watch and we'll call it even."

Pug Bro's mouth drops open, and his beady eyes dart between you and his precious watch. He's like Gollum with the One Ring. They have the same clammy complexion and dead fish eyes. The resemblance really is uncanny, and now that you've seen it, you can't unsee it.

Derek menacingly pops the cap off the hot sauce bottle. The rim is crusty with dried sauce and god knows what else. The bottle must be ancient, despite being over halfway full. Pug Bro dry heaves and tears fill his eyes. His lower lip trembles as he slides his watch off and passes it down to you. The bros whisper amongst themselves, shocked by the decision. You barely manage to put your new watch on before Derek forces the hot sauce bottle into your hand.

"Drink, pledge!" he demands.

You take a second to yank off the white plastic bottle top before bringing the hot sauce to your lips. If you're going to drink hot sauce, you're going to drink the fucking hot sauce. You're not about to sit here and jack a bottle off into your mouth in a crowded restaurant. Other patrons are trying to enjoy their dinners. The next table over is full of kids in karate uniforms, probably celebrating some kind of win. Derek might not be worried about ruining their dining experiences, but you are.

The hot sauce isn't that bad. It goes down easy, but you're terrified of the fiery poops you'll have to endure tomorrow morning. The red vinegar is more sour than spicy, and your lips pucker. With perfect timing, Maddie is back with another round of beers. She's like an angel descending from the clouds with a golden trumpet. She places a beer in front of you, but it's snatched away before you can grab it.

"No drinks for five minutes," Derek says in between alternating sips of both beers. He better not put that one on your tab.

The next five minutes are agony. The sauce is a lot spicier when you eat so much of it. Your tongue and lips tingle, and not in a fun ASMR way. It feels like you have a mouthful of very pissed off bees. You'd watched Bee Movie enough times to know that it wasn't worth pissing off a bee. One of them would end up fucking your wife. God forbid it was the one played by Jerry Seinfeld.

Maddie comes back with another round of beers. The time she looks like a mermaid atop a rock admist the foamy sea spray. The beer is like a siren call; irresistible. Nobody takes the beer from you this time. It dribbles messily down your chin as you gulp it down greedily. The glass is barely out of your hand before another one is shoved into it. You finish it quickly only for another one to appear. Maybe hazing isn't that bad after all. Look how much free beer you're getting!

The bros give you five beers before letting you have a break. You're well passed buzzed now. The restaurant spins around you. The few mediocre cheese sticks you ate aren't enough to soak up the alcohol. The only other thing you've eaten today is a Pop-Tart and an entire pack of gum. Your breath is minty fresh, but your stomach is empty.

You consider ordering more food. With all the free beer the bros gave you, you can afford an appetizer now. Maddie comes by again with more beer, but someone runs through the restaurant screaming before you can ask her for a menu. It's the bro you considered asking to share his mozzarella sticks. He must have gone to the bathroom while you were being hazed.

"Oh shit! Kyle!" Derek leaps out of his chair and points dramatically to the door. "Bros! We gotta help Kyle!"

The bros stand in unison from their chairs without question. They take a moment to pull out their wallets, throwing cash onto the table before chasing after Kyle. You don't know what's gotten into him, but he looked pretty freaked out. He kept looking behind him like something was chasing him. Your bladder feels like it's about to burst, though now you're terrified of using the bathroom. There has to be something weird going on in there.

In a matter of moments, you're at the table by yourself. You're almost to your fourteen beer goal, but it feels weird to be here by yourself.

Do you...

FOLLOW THE BROS (GO TO PAGE 27)

STAY AT CHILIS (GO TO PAGE 28)

BEER COUNTER: 10