Birth Of My Son

Into My Arms

With the cold weather, I knew seasonal depression was coming. That mixed in with my regular depression was always shitty, but then... postpartum came along.

I didn't have much of it with Ánder. I found myself upset oftentimes, but I was never really depressed. That was until Marína turned two weeks old.

We'd left for Texas to see some of our families, and we even spent some time in Missouri to see some of my more distant family that I grew up with. But while there on the fishing dock of the Lake of the Ozarks, holding my daughter as my cousins tackled each other in the murky water, Daniel noticed my dark behavior. Even as he stood in the water and held his arms out for Ánder to jump into, he was keeping a close eye on me.

But I didn't tell him it was getting worse for me. I wasn't afraid of judgement from him, but I WAS afraid of my kids seeing it. Ánder had recently gotten into the habit of noticing happiness vs sadness, and when he saw how sad his dad after losing a soccer game 6-1, Ánder stood by his dad the whole day in order to have him feel better.

He was a fuckin' weird kid.

So as Chloe and Maya were holding Marína while Sophia's children marveled over her, and Ánder played with my dad, I felt Daniel place a hand on my back.

"Let's talk in the kitchen, shall we?"

-

"What's wrong, baby?"

"Nothing," I answered.

"No, something is wrong," Daniel insisted. "Dígame."

"I'm fine."

"I'm not stupid. I've been paying close attention to you lately. You aren't writing, you haven't talked to your friends in weeks, you barely argued with Cydney over who is worse at the cord games. Keeley, I know you."

"I just..."

A tear suddenly slid down my eye and he held me. "C'mere. Into my arms."

"It's all getting worse."

"What is?"

"My depression," I answered. "It gets worse with seasonal, so it's... it's hard. It's just hard. And then there's postpartum depression."

"What's that?"

"Postpartum? It's whenever you're depressed after having a baby. It's actually normal. And for me, it's hard to adjust to having another person to take care of. I was overwhelmed with Ánder, but I managed. But with her I... I can't. I don't know why."

"Hey, don't be hard on yourself," he said. "I know how terrible this all must be for you. Do you think the weather here is affecting you?'

"Probably," I answered.

"Great, so this time next year, everyone can comes to Texas or Mexico. We'll never have to come to this horrid state again. Or if we have another baby while it's cold, you and I can travel back to Peru shortly after," he said with a sweet mention of our first foreign vacation together to Peru. "Just you and me, or we can bring the little ones. But for now, let's focus on you. If you are feeling stressed, please let me help you. We live by family for a reason. Carmen can take care of the two of them, or even Maricarmen. If we're in Texas, your mom can. If we find ourselves in Houston, give them to your dad."

I nodded.

"Don't feel bad, amor. I know you've battled depression."

I was diagnosed in late 2020, and I met him in the end of summer/early fall if 2021. So, he'd known me during my entire battle with depression. When we still celebrating our anniversaries in months, we spent a significant amount of time talking about my depression and what we'd do about it.

"I'm gonna help you, I promise. We'll only stay here a little while longer. I promise."

-

Daniel was, as per usual, getting along great with my family. But when we left Missouri, he seemed happier. It occurred to me that it was just because he wanted to see me in a happier state myself. I heard him call Carmen last night and ask her to throw away all the alcohol in our house so I wouldn't go to beer to cope, which was probably a good idea. That, and he organized a party for when we got down to Texas. Well, we were there now.

I wore one of the halter ops I crocheted myself, and I noticed how much happier even I seemed to be. I was fine with my post-partum body, but with Daniel and his family there, I found myself unbelievably happy.

Dancing to reggaetón, I almost felt at-home again. I knew this moment wouldn't last forever, but the way Daniel looked in his outfit, I hoped it would.

"Do you like this?" Daniel asked as we danced.

"I love this. Thank you, baby."

He nodded and looked around. "Every other night if you want. And if I'm not home, Addy is one call away."

I laughed. "This is enough for now. Either way, I can go back to my old hobbies, like crocheting. And I've been getting emails on my films, so maybe things are looking great ahead."

"Yes, maybe, but you said your old interests aren't interesting you."

"They're not," I responded. "But I'll be fine."

"I'm afraid I can't settle for that," he said. "We're gonna get over this. And if it's something you can't cure or something, we'll overcome it together. We'll nap together more, I'll let you nap on the rocking chair while I play soccer with our son and change our daughters diapers. Or I'll help you with whatever you need."

"That actually sounds... quite nice."

"Yep. And you can play with us, too. We can send the kids to a sitter and we can hang out, just us too, or with our friends. Whatever you want."

"What about what you want?"

"I didn't just have a baby," he reminded me. "Sure, you squeezed my hand and I was upset to miss so much of it, but you did all the work. All I really got to do was the fun part, technically. The point is, I'm putting you first, and I'm gonna need you to put yourself first too. That way, we can achieve happiness together and not just on my account."

I kissed his lips. "I love you."

"I love you too. And I'll forever help you."