Just Breathe

Chapter Thirty One

The light from his desk lamp shone on his face as he propped his head up.  Lia laid next to him, her heart beating as she rubbed at his upper arm, willing him along. They had been at his place for several hours. Fortunately for Lia's sake, both his mother and younger sister had been asleep and hadn't noticed the pair. They had tried watching a Fast and Furious movie that had been playing on a random channel, but Lia could tell by his face something had been bothering him all night.  Justin looked down, trying to steady his emotions.  The last thing he wanted to do was to start crying in front of Lia.  He knew she'd never make fun of him for it, but the guy in him didn't want to break.

"I was supposed to be watching both of them," he went on softly, his words dripping out slowly.  "Katrina and Ally.  It pissed me off.  Having to babysit when I should be able to be a teenager.  Come and go as I pleased.  But my mom was working two jobs and my dad travels a lot for work.  She was struggling so I couldn't just say no."

Lia just nodded, knowing not to interrupt.  Justin's eyes were dark as he traced random patterns on his bed.

"Ally was in a bad mood," he went on.  "She wanted me to take her to the park before it got dark, but I had a deadline.  I had to upload my English essay by 8:00.  I'd already asked for an extension and I knew I couldn't have any more excuses.  So I fixed them both hot dogs and some mac and cheese, put on Spongebob, and disappeared into my room.  It was the first quiet I had all day.

"Treena was so little.  She was only four.  Ally was six.  I figured I could leave them for a half hour and I'd hear if anything went wrong.  Ally choked on a piece of hot dog.  Treena didn't know what was going on or didn't notice.  I came out a while later and Ally was laying on the floor.  Treena thought she was sleeping."

His voice caught on the last word and he put his hand over his eyes.  The images flashed back in his mind.  Treena standing by crying as he desperately tried to slap at Ally's back; get her to cough.  He'd tried to help her for over ten minutes before he'd finally called 911.

"And she was gone," he croaked.  "Just like that.  Because I had to finish my homework."

Lia couldn't imagine the guilt he must have been feeling for the last year.  She chewed at her lip, wishing she knew what to say.   What could she say?  That it was okay?  His sister was gone forever while under his care.  Nothing could ever make things okay again for his family.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, still rubbing gently at his arm.  He still wouldn't look at her, ashamed of his past.  Lia was one of the few people who knew the truth now.  The rumors had been worse.  The look on his mother's face was the absolute worst.

"I know my mom blames me," he said.  "She doesn't say it but I know she does.  Wishes she never trusted me with them."

"Accidents happen," she tried to console him.  "It was an accident."

"Yeah, but if I'd been watching them like I should've I would have saved her," Justin said, shaking his head in disgust with himself.  He laid on his back and draped his arm over his eyes.  Lia scooted a little closer, letting her hand rub at his chest.

He let out an exhausted sigh.  "I deserve this," Justin said.  "I deserve to live with the guilt for the rest of my life because I was an idiot.  And now she's dead."

"You can't let it rule your life," Lia tried to reason with him.  "You were just a kid yourself with way too much responsibility."

They were both silent for several long minutes.  Lia didn't know what to do or say, so she just laid her head on his shoulder and draped her arm over him.  There was nothing that could fix this for him.  No magic words would bring his sister back or take his guilt away.