dear Junmyeon (jung eunji/kim junmyeon)

viii • loneliness

Loneliness is often subjective.

It could be when you are taking a walk along the seashore, feeling the gentle breeze against your skin. The sound of birds returning to their nests chorusing with the water against the infinity of tiny particles of sand- creating a harmony that touches a human's deepest emotion. Of the horizons glowing in layers of pink and orange, casting lights that break in hundreds of rays.

Or the dynamic chatter of a group of individuals around you, exchanging words towards each other- of "me and them" but never of "me and you", as you drown yourself in your thoughts of how and why you'd never become one of them. Even when it appears that you have accepted them and they accepted you, they will never recognize you as their own.

And maybe in the darkest night, as you lay flat on your back, washing your face away with the salty tears, reaching your hands out to the one bearing half of your soul. Except that you are only grasping the air and the one that is meant to hear your silent cry has turned a deaf ear, as your soul is just as familiar as a dull colour. Uncared and unattended.

As for Eunji, the lonesomeness hits high as she felt the whips of cold air when her husband turned and left. His dashing shoulders and the fleeting smell of his cologne, ones that she would miss at night and ones that had been nothing but a bitter reminiscence – completely dried herself of the trace of his love.

It was when her cold hands hit the landing on the floor, and her eyes caught the slight gleam of the token of their love around her ring finger. The sharp pain as her bony knees crashed against the hard floor was ambiguous to her. It was when she saw the sprinkle of tears fall on her pale bony hands without even making themselves known on the trail against her cheeks. It was harder to comprehend everything apart from the growing hollowness that was occupying her chest as her head turned to a hostile uproar against herself. 

She instinctively leaned on the pair of gentle hands that helped her to stand, her heart desperately wanting to feel the warmth as coldness from her chest developed on her skin. But her consciousness was telling her to run, run away, nobody wanted her anywhere, she have finally lost the last place where she belonged. Deep down she was starting to believe that she was undeserving of love because rejection will be up in the next corner. 

So she pushed away.

"Leave." Her voice croaked, "leave me alone."

"Eunji... Let's get you into the bedroom." The soothing voice of her housekeeper rang through her confused mind, trying to reach her. But Eunji was already far too consumed in her own make-beliefs to trust the woman's help exists without any agenda.

Eunji shook her head, pushing herself off of the last thread. "Your job is done here, Mrs. Ma. Go back home soon." A passing smile tugged on the corner of her mouth before it was gone, and she walked into her room, closing the door behind her.

***

"Junmyeon sir, I have to ask you to quickly finish your job and come home when you can. Eunji- she..."

Junmyeon sighed rather harshly as he dropped his pen on his desk uncaringly. The sound stopped the person at the other line mid-words, and he could hear her mutter her apology briskly.

"Is she eating her food?" He asked hastily, to which his housekeeper answered – yes just a tiny amount, but not today, today she has not come out of the room.