Maybe they don't (die at the end)

part 8

I've been listening to too much sad music lately. (Also a lot of Rufus monologues are just me shamelessly ranting lmao.) I'm sorry to anyone that's still reading. Also i didn't read over this and i lost my ability to write anything i hope the writing is still alright i gotta get into it again..

Rufus

2:04 p.m.

Mateo Torez is a fucking bastard.

Is what I would say if I wasn't so in love with his stupid face. But it's also what I would say right now because I'm just so... angry. I guess angry wouldn't in the slightest be the right word to explain how I'm feeling. It's more like, and I know this sounds cheesy as hell, but it's more like heartbreak. Thing is, I'm not actually angry at him. Well, I am, but Amy always used to say shit like 'Anger is a secondary emotion.' At the time, I didn't know what she meant. So she sat me down and talked about feelings with me. For like, 4 hours straight. And I think I understand what she meant, now. I'm not the kind of angry at Mateo that I normally feel every time I see Peck's stupid face. It's not like I want to beat up Mateo in the middle of the night in some back alleyway. It's more like I want to cry right now. And then let him beat me up. And then beat him up. And then kiss his stupid, bloody face.

I wonder if he feels the same way. Probably not. Because he's Mateo. I wish he could just punch me when he's mad. I wish we wouldn't have screamed at each other back there, I wish we had just fought it out. Beat each other up. For me, at least, that would've been less confusing, less anger-inducing. It would be fine after the fight, probably. But Mateo is not that type of guy, I guess. He's more, 'let's talk it out', 'let's talk about our feelings', like Amy was. Except he's completely different from Amy. He's so much more. He's brought out the best side of me, yo. But that, back there, that stupid fucking fight, was probably the worst of me. That was old Rufus. But who the hell is new Rufus if that was the Rufus that was supposed to be gone?

Will I ever really loose that version of myself that beat up Peck that night? The one that ran from the police, the criminal, the orphan, the fuck-up. I want nothing more than him gone.

Last night, or rather the last day with Mateo was like a glimpse of who I could be. The version of myself that doesn't beat people up, The one that looks both ways before crossing a street. The one that picks up a fucking dead bird from a road. But old Rufus- no, fuck it. Rufus. Just Rufus. Because one stupid day didn't change who I am as a person, that's bullshit. So I, Rufus, had to ruin that one good thing the moment it crossed my path, because that's all I can do. Ruin everything.

Why the hell am I talking to myself? Fuck everything I just thought about. The violence isn't the worst part of me. It's that stupid little motherfucker in my head that keeps telling me this shit.

Mateo isn't the 'one good thing'. Sure, he's a good thing, but I still have Tagoe and Malcolm. Amy. Pluto. Cannon Café. My bike. No wait, I gave that one away yesterday. Shit.

I pull out my phone. For a split second I think about calling Mateo. Giving in. Be the smarter one, the grown up. I open the contacts app and I almost- Oh right, I don't have his number. Shit.

So instead, I text Aimee. Because I have no clue where Lidia lives and I don't know where Mateo went so I can't even run after him.

Mateo

2:13pm.

Fuck Rufus Emeterio.

Fuck him and his stupid views on death cast! Why can't he just understand why so many people need it, depend on it? Why can't he just understand me? I mean, yeah, okay, we've only known each other for a little over a day, but he didn't have to just scream at me. I didn't mean it that way. Okay, maybe I did, a little bit. But I don't think he's a thug, I just don't believe our paths would've crossed if it wasn't for Death Cast. And that's just rational thinking, isn't it? It's not that I wouldn't have given him a chance, we're just- so different. And I don't really have any social contacts- except Lidia, of course, so how would we have realistically gotten to know each other? I was just trying to tell him the positive aspects of this godforsaken program, but all he did was scream at me. So maybe, it wasn't fate for us to meet. Or maybe it was only fate for us to spend this one day, our last day, together. So now the universe has no idea what to do with us. I'm so lost in thought I almost don't notice the bus arriving.