Tantrum

Ch. 9 Relief?

*** Gwen's POV ***

This is all my fault. If I had just dealt with my shit better, none of this would have happened. Now it's all falling apart. I've disappointed everyone.

"Gwen. Are you okay in there?" Spencer knocks on the bathroom door.

God, he didn't even trust me to be out of his sight. I suppose I didn't give him reason to trust me. I am such a trainwreck. I look at my reflection. I've hit rock bottom.

"Gwen?" Spencer raps hard on the door.

"Jesus! I'm fine!" I throw the door open, feeling annoyed that he won't even let me have a pity party. I grab him and blow my stank ass breath in his face. "No booze! Are you happy?"

He looks at me with pity, and for some reason, that is more crushing than anything. He brings his hands up to pull my fingers from him and softly says, "You've been in there for over an hour. I was worried."

Had it really been that long? I feel my body going slack as I gave into my melancholy again. Spencer grasps my wrists tight, holding me up. "Whoa Gwen. You're okay. Did you take something?"

"No." I squeak.

He practically drags me to the sofa, grabbing a glass of water he brought me awhile ago apparently, and putting it in my shaky hands. He pushes my wild hair back from my face, inspecting me with concern. His eyes finally meet mine and I realize for the first time that his eyes have golden flecks that make his green eyes appear hazel in some lights.

"Talk to me. Tell me what's going through your mind." He prompts.

I laugh at him then quickly cover my mouth as my laughter gives way to tears all over again. I don't deserve his kindness or his pity. "I'm a grown woman that can barely hold myself together. And somehow Tammie thought it would be a good idea to entrust her offspring to me. Those boys deserve better than me."

"Those boys need you, Gwen. You've been their lifeline since they were born. Don't give up on yourself." Spencer gives me a pep talk, but I'm not having it.

"I did that a long time ago and now I've ruined everything." I admit and start to cry again.

Spencer wraps his arm around me and lifts my chin with his index finger. "You're going to get through this. Want to know how I know that?" I don't say anything because I don't believe him. It doesn't faze him as he keeps talking. "You have so much going for you. You are gainfully employed. You have people who love you and who are rooting for you because you make their lives better. And for what it's worth, you have me."

"You don't even trust me to be alone." I grumble.

"I don't trust your addiction. You aren't your addiction, Gwen. You're so much stronger than that. You just have to get back to a place where you trust in yourself." He assures me.

"Is this what your job is usually like? If so, why in the hell do you do it?" I ask.

He chuckles. "Sometimes. Usually there's a lot more paperwork."

"Glamorous." I crack a smirk.

"Not in the least, but it can be rewarding. Like last night." He shares.

It hits me that it was just last night that everything had finally felt a little settled. And just like that, I made a mess of everything. Fighting with Tim. Drowning myself in rum. Finding out that Tim didn't show at school. Needing more booze to numb the worry.