I miss him and the feeling is impeccably sorrowful.
Daffadil Lizario sits in the bathtub and her head rests upon the cold smooth edge of exposed porcelain. The tears run from the corner of her eyes, down her cheek, off her chin and into her chest; to marr with the sudsy waters. Even though the water is warm, the bath isn't quite soothing as the heaviness in her body and hollow feeling in the center of her chest throbs away. Daffadil's heart is broken.
And it'll never be whole again. I'll never go back to happiness again. How can I?
Braedon has been dead for months now and the grief isn't getting any better. They'd been boyfriend and girlfriend since sixth grade all the way until his death before their senior year. It's winter break and Daffadil still can't stomach the loss of him. It's not that anyone's saying it, but she feels the unspoken judgement of her not being further in the process, yet.
Daffadil doesn't believe she will ever be 'further in the process'. It feels as though her entire life has begun and ended with Braedon. She hadn't felt alive until Braedon noticed her that wintery day, standing outside of the school, all alone. He came over and and it felt as though she knew him from the first moment.
You were always so beautiful.
How can she go through winters without him? Both of their bithdays are in the winter, they fell in love in the winter, and he got into the accident in the winter that killed him. Winter is forever spoiled for Daffadil. It's now the ugliest time of the year.
The dreams won't stop.
Daffadil doesn't believe she will ever be whole again, without Braedon, but maybe if these vivid dreams could stop, maybe then she could heal. Everyone around her doesn't want to hear about them anymore. She lost her best friend, Chloe, because of these dreams. It came to be that Chloe had been harboring a secret crush on Braedon and even liked him first. All this time, Chloe never revealed her crush to Daffadil or to Braedon.
Yet, one day, Chloe had enough of Daffadil's teary eyed dream rendition and it all spilled out. In Chloe's rage filled frustration, she was the first to accuse Daffadil of attention seeking and acting as though she is the only one to miss and have loved Braedon. Daffadil was devastated. The friendship was lost.
"I miss you so much. I just would do anything to have one more hug from you. " Daffadil sits in the middle of the tub, with her knees to chest. She can't help but speak aloud to Braedon sometimes.
She knows people think she's attention seeking, but she thinks they are insensitive and simply have never been in love before. Braedon and herself met at eleven years old and were in a child version of a relationship. They stayed together and at 14 when he got his first job, he took her on a date and shopping. When he was 15 they went to his church dance together and he gave her the pink gem heart ring, encircled with clear stones, that she never takes off. It's was a promise ring. A ring to say that he intends to marry her as soon as it is well with both their families, or age.
Last year, for her 17th birthday, Braedon gave her the matching pink stone diamond band to let her know he intends to make good on his 15 year old self's promise ring and marry her, if not at 18 at least 21. Her parents want her to have some sort of advanced training and will never okay the marriage if she didn't have a certification in something. It was very important to Braedon that she has her family's support to marry him. Her family loved Braedon.
No one understands that her future has died with him. All of dreams and hopes included Braedon, but Braedon is dead and so now are those dreams. All of those things that they whispered about after making love, will never happen. The hopes of children with his eyes or smile, will never be.
"It just hurts so badly. Why would God let it hurt so badly?" Daffadil sobs. She's not angry at God she just has nowhere to express this but to the open air, that she pretends is Braedon.
A whirl of air bursts through the room and she is entirely a gasp for air in the virility of the paranormal storm. The hair stands up on Daffadil's body. Immediately there is a charge of electricity that comes from the extra terrestrial. Her heart pounds in the undeniable wake of something happening beyond logic and understanding. There is no science for what's occuring.
As the fog clears, her mouth is ajar in utter shock, but her body moves automnously, out of the tub and grabbing the near towel. She wraps her tembling body and holds onto an edge to prevent an imminent collasp. An inaudible sound escapes her mouth as her mind tries to rectify the phenomenon before her natural eyes.
Have I finally broken? Have I lost my mind?
Braedon stands before her. He's beautiful as ever. His creamy skin glows in it's healthy pale tone. Braedon was very pale, almost lacking pigment and could burn easily in the sun. Yet now, his skin takes on a silver shimmer that gives an other wordly glow. His raven black hair, pushed back, in perfection. His eyes instantly soothing her grief as she stares into the dark grey orbs. His lips, red like ripe fruit. His teeth perfect and curved into a warm smile.
It isn't possible...
She steps out of the tub and quickly grabs a towel to wrap herself. She approaches Braedon with trembling limbs. Goosebumps pucker Daffadil's skin. Her hair lies somewhat flat and pushed to the back, she doesn't notice the ice crystals forming within the coils and waves. She stands before Braedon with watery eyes.
"I miss you so much" Her voice breaks.
Braedon opens his arms for a hug and Daffadil quickly steps into his embrace. His arms tighten around her and peace floods her core. Her body violently shakes from cold and she notices an ice flake on her fanned out lashes through barely open eyes. A chill runs up her spine.
"It's okay baby. I came so we never have to be apart again." Braedon's voice sounds comforting as his hands gently stroke, up and down her back.
Her stomach is assaulted with a stabbing fury that tells her to run, but she can't. Braedon holds her tightly before tearing his teeth into her shoulder and ripping the flesh with carnivorous bites. Daffodil cries out in pain and horror.
"It's okay, just relax. You know you'll always be my girl. " Braedon says as Daffadil's strength to fight wanes.
Her chilled body, now covered with ice beads as evidence of the paranormal activity taking place, feels searing warmth fall in-between her breast. The white towel wrapping her becomes quickly soaked with crimson blood as Braedon continues to tear the flesh from her body.
Suddenly, Daffadil longs to live so badly. She struggles against the draining pull of death and instinctively tears the diamond promise ring from her finger. Braedon yells out a shrill unnatural screach in protest.
The last thing Daffadil sees is Braedon snapping her neck.
**************
Daffadil awakes in a cold sweat. She looks around her bedroom in sheer terror. The panic makes her heart slam against her chest in a drum like thud. She exits her bed and walks around the room looking for signs of things out of the ordinary.
The dream had been too real.
This is the worst nightmare about Braedon she's had. Suddenly, Daffadil catches her reflection in the mirror. She sees ice crystals along her hair like. A shaky breath leaves her slightly parted lips and her breath can be seen. The temperature in the room has dropped.
Her breath leaves a fog on the mirror where the words:
Always my girl
Are written in the fog.
Daffadil looks behind her and sees a ghostly dark figure. She runs to her open window, snatching off the promise ring and throwing it out the window. She refuses to die. She refuses to let life pass her by any longer. Braedon is dead but she still has the chance to live. She has the chance to succeed, to fail and learn, and to love again. She refuses to die with Braedon.
Maybe, in another life, I am always your girl. However, this life is still my own and I will live. I will live...
