What I Never Knew I Always Wanted ~ Cody Bellinger

Thirty Six

We ended the season on a road trip, so we weren't able to celebrate Alex's first birthday until the following Monday after the season had ended. We were on our way to NLDS again this year, we are facing the Nationals who were on a really good win streak. 

But today we have a bigger focus and that was Alex's party. Again, like Logan's, this time Cody's parents took the boys for the night so we could get the house all Mickey ready for Alex's first birthday. 

"Babe are you okay, you seem a bit down?" Cody asked as I was mixing together some brownies. "Yeah, I'm good, just tired from running around these past couple of weeks with wedding things and the party today." I said, hoping he'll believe me. 

I wasn't into doing this party as I was doing Logan's. I just don't think that I have that special bond with Alex like I do with Logan, I didn't carry Alex for nine months and something is just eating me alive. 

"No you're not." He said. "You're right I'm not Cody. I thought I could do this, but I have come to realize that I can't. I can't keep raising Alex with you because he isn't my child, I didn't carry him for nine months, it's eating me alive every night that I don't have that special bond with him like I do with Logan." 

It all kind of just spilled out and the look on his face broke my heart. "What do you want me to do Sav? Just get rid of my son? I can't do that, I would never do that to him." He said. "I know and I never said that, I just said how I feel. I love Alex don't get me wrong, I just don't feel right doing all these things when it should be his real mother doing all these things." I said wiping down the countertops. 

"I know babe, I'm not faulting you for feeling the way that you feel. I just want you to know that he loves you and you are his mother, no matter if you gave birth to him or not." He said coming over and rubbing my back. 

"Then why do I feel one way for Logan and than another for him? I love Logan with all my heart and would do anything for him and protect him since he's my baby. But Alex, I don't know, there is some disconnect there for me with him, he doesn't take to me well sometimes and sometimes all he wants is you. It's like he can sense that I'm not his real mom." I said. 

"Babe, you need to take a deep breath and relax. We have a party to get through today and then you and I are going to talk about this after the boys go to bed and we're alone alright?" He said and I nodded and went back to getting everything ready for the party. 

The party went just as smoothly as Logan's and it was still the same amount of people that showed up for Logan, all the teammates, coaches and our parents and siblings. It means a lot to me that my parents came out for this as well. 

Once the house was cleaned, everyone was gone and the boys were in bed, I poured Cody and myself a glass of wine and went and sat on the couch with him. "So, let it out, tell me how you feel." He said. 

I sighed and put my phone down. "I don't know how to feel Cody, I really don't. I love Alex, he's my child, but I just don't feel that bond with him, I don't know how to even explain the feelings that I have about this." I said. 

"But you love Alex.." He said. "I do, I just don't love the thought that he isn't my biological child and that you had a child with another woman, that's what I'm still hung up on and that I'm raising him with you." I said. 

"But you would do it again if the situation came up because you don't want a child not knowing at least one of his or her biological parents." He said. "Right, but it better not happen again otherwise you will be raising Alex and said child by yourself." I said taking a sip of wine. 

"I promise that it won't happen, unless another one of the women I slept with is hiding a child from me." He said. "The face that is even a thought in your mind is sick. I can't believe you slept with so many people when we weren't together." I said shaking my head. 

"I know, I am sick with myself too, I shouldn't have done what I did, I know I messed up, but I love you Savannah, more than anything." He said. "I love you too Cody, I hope the next baby that we have is a girl." I said as I snuggled into him. 

"I know, I would love to be a girl dad." He said as he kissed my forehead. "How many more kids do you want?" I asked him. "I think for the two of us, maybe two more." He said. "I mean that sounds doable. Not like we don't have the space for it." I said with a laugh. 

"What if we don't have a girl?" He asked. "Then we're going to keep trying, I want a girl so bad." I said. "What if it takes us like four tries?" He asked. "Then we keep having babies, I don't care, as long as they're with you, I don't care." 

"Wow you're crazy, not sure how I would handle that many kids." He said. "We would have to get another nanny, that's for sure." I said. I sighed thinking about it, I don't really want my kids growing up with nanny's but that's the life that Cody and I have to live right now since we're so busy. 

"You don't like the nanny thing do you?" He asked, he's good at reading my mind. "No, not really, I really don't want my kids growing up with a nanny, but I love my job too much to give it up just like that when I've worked so hard for it." 

"I wouldn't want you to give up your job, that's for sure. It's a good thing we do go out to Arizona a lot so that the kids can see their grandparents. It will be easier to split them up too between all of them." 

"Yeah you're right, it's just got me thinking, that's all." I said. "I love you Sav, let's get to sleep, we have some prep to do for the NLDS coming up."