I've Loved These Days: A Billy Joel Fanfic

Chapter 28 - Got To Begin Again

••••
And despite all the truth
That's been thrown in my face
I just can't get you out of my mind
But I've got to begin again
Though I don't know how start
Yes I've got to begin again
And it's hard
••••

Friday, October 20, 1978
Dear Diary,

Loneliness can only hurt you if you let yourself wallow in it. Betrayal can only hurt you if you let yourself dwell on it. I keep hoping that if I say those things enough times it will make them true...

I'm hurt. I'm sad. And even though I'm surrounded by people who care about me, I'm alone.

xoxo,
Kat

****

I was startled awake by the alarm on the nightstand, and I reached over to silence it with my eyes still closed. It had been two months since I'd fully moved back into the apartment by myself, and I was still waiting for the day that waking up alone didn't feel awful.

After a lot of talking, a lot of yelling, and a lot of crying, Billy and I had agreed on a trial separation. I needed time to heal, and he needed time to fix his mistakes. Whether or not we would have a future together once those things happen is yet to be seen.

I took a deep breath and finally opened my eyes. If I'd learned anything from losing a baby and losing my mother, it was that if things were going to be awful, they were going to be awful whether you wallowed in them or not. I was going to feel just as horrible whether I lay in bed sulking or got up and went about my day, so I might as well choose to be productive.

When I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen I was greeted by a stack of mail and a few other items sitting on the counter. Carol must have dropped them off before I woke up. I got the coffee pot started and began to rifle through the letters and packages just as Janice padded into the kitchen.

"Morning," I nodded.

"Good morning," she smiled and took a seat at the kitchen table.

Janice was still working in the fashion industry in L.A, but she'd been in town for the past week attending a textile convention and some runway shows. It had been quite awhile since I'd seen her, and even longer since we'd been able to spend a substantial amount of time together. With her convention now done, Janice had decided to stay and keep me company for another week.

"You must be popular," Janice chuckled, eyeing the stack of mail.

"It's mostly just junk and fan mail," I shrugged and grabbed two coffee mugs from the cabinet, "but I suppose it gives me something to do."

"Does Bill actually respond to fan mail?"

"He used to, occasionally." I placed a full mug on the table for Janice. "I'm not really sure anymore."

"I'm sorry, I keep forgetting you guys are..." Her voice trailed off.

"Don't be sorry," I sighed. "It is what it is."

I filled my mug and sat down at the table just as I heard the front door open. A moment later Sandy walked into the kitchen with Tiffany toddling beside her.