If I Didn't Have You

16

Warnings:
-Slight mentions disordered eating

Sapnap's POV

Hours passed by when I finally went back to my sixteen year old self. I slowly looked up at Clay who was holding George tightly on his lap. George was playing with his stuffed animals and Clay was rocking softly to calm George down as much as he could.

For as far as I knew, he sat there with George for hours now. He didn't talk, unless he wanted to say something to George himself. George made happy sounds, said some words he knew and just played, holding his pacifier in his mouth.

'Clay... I'm so sorry. I didn't want to be regressed for that long, but I couldn't get out of it. Sometimes it's even longer, but I didn't want to and-.'

'It's okay,' he answered with a smile. 'I've been really relaxed and love to take care of people and watch him play in silence.'

I nodded and sighed softly, standing up. 'I'm going to put my stuff back in the box real quick.'

Clay smiled and looked at George who wanted to show him something. I was walking to my room and listened to George's happy voice.

'Kway! Bwunny, seep! Fwiend!'

'They are so incredibly glad to be with you!' Clay responded as I pushed the box back under my bed. I walked back to George's room and looked at Clay.

'Can I ask if you ate anything today?' I questioned as I looked at him. 'Because I can go to the store to get dairy free things for you.'

He shrugged. 'I had a gluten free slice of bread with dairy free chocolate spread this morning and an apple... I just don't want to eat more, I feel in control when I don't eat, I guess.'

'Clay, you're stomach will only get more upset when you stop eating. It will kill you in the end... you're going to have that test and see what you're allergic to!'

'I even had a thick throat after that stupid apple...' he sniffed. 'It makes me so incredibly sad because I regret eating that apple. My stomach hurts now...'

'We can go to the store with George in his wheelchair and look for what you might be able to eat? You're going to get so many more problems if you just stop eating, Clay. I promise you that it won't fix your problems.'

'Why am I allergic to everything?' Clay whispered with a voice crack in the end. He sobbed softly and I saw a tear roll down his cheek.

George turned around with an open mouth and big eyes. He grabbed Clay's hand and rested his head against his chest to comfort him in his way. 'Kway!'

'I can't even imagine how shit this has to be for you, but I want to help you. I want to be here for you and support you, but not by letting you starve yourself just so you won't have any symptoms.'

'I guess we can go,' Clay mumbled.

George was still looking at him with sad eyes and lifted his hands up to show Clay that he wanted him to hug him. Clay hugged George tightly and George made satisfied and happy sounds. 'Kway.'

'Thank you for being so sweet to me, Georgie,' Clay smiled. He looked up at me and sighed. 'And you too. It just sucks so much. I hate throwing up and spending nights in the bathroom. I don't want to deal with constant pain either, but I guess I have to live with it. It just has been getting extremely bad lately.'

'We are going to look for things you might be able to eat, okay? Georgie, Clay and I are going to the store so I'm going to put you in your wheelchair because you come with us, okay?'

He looked up with big eyes and thought about it for a while. 'Es! Ore.'

'Store, yes,' Clay smiled. 'With us!'

He giggled softly and Clay lifted him up, walking downstairs together with me. Clay put George down in his wheelchair and wanted to walk away as he sighed.

'My stomach hurts so much, can I use the toilet?'

'Of course, it's there,' I pointed. He nodded slowly and walked off as I sat in front of George. He made happy noises and opened his arms.

'Swapnap!'

'Hi, Georgie. You look so handsome today! So do your bunny and your sheep,' I told him with a smile on my face.

He showed them to me and then hugged them tightly, hopping up and down from happiness.

'Yes, you're a very handsome boy,' I chuckled as I tapped his nose. It caused him to giggle and he held his stuffed animals tightly, smiling brightly with reddish cheeks. 'Aww, is my little brother blushing? You are a really handsome boy!'

He got shy and squealed softly. 'Lowe you!'

'I love you too, Georgie. You're my cute and sweet brother!'

'Oter!' he tried to repeat, pulling a sad face when he realised he couldn't say it well.

'You were really close! It's such a difficult word to say.'

He smiled softly and looked up when Clay came back a few minutes later with a pale face. 'I'm sorry that I took so long, I hope I didn't annoy you.'

'Are you okay?' I asked as I stood up to look at him.

He shrugged. 'I have really bad cramps, but I think this should have been it. Another one for the list, I guess...'

'Was it the apple?'

'It must have been because I ate the bread hours ago. My stomach did hurt a tiny bit after that, but definitely not this much,' he sighed. 'Anyway, let's go.'

'Are you sure? I can go alone too, if you'd prefer that.'

'No, it's okay. It's a bit better now, I guess I'll survive,' he answered. 'Let's go, I'm sure Georgie is excited to go.'

He immediately made happy sounds when he heard his name and opened his arms to hug Clay. Clay gave him a hug and ruffled his hair up. 'Do you want Sapnap or me to push your wheelchair?'

He made a thinking face and then smiled. 'Kway!'

'Okay,' Clay smiled. 'I will push your wheelchair through the supermarkets! Are you excited?'

'Kway! Swapnap!' he exclaimed happily.

We both smiled brightly as we walked to the door to go outside to the store.

1066 words