LokixGenderfluidReader

Chapter 6

Dad had forced me to sit down and recount my time in Hydra. It was very hard to write so soon. Bucky did try and tell me I could lean on him for support. He said he'd try his best to help if I need it. I said I'd keep that in mind but didn't give him an actual answer. Everyone else was just making sure that I was okay in every way. They gave me special treatment and I hated it. If it was any other circumstance I would have relished in it but I just wanted to be left alone. I hide in the library all the time now. People don't see me. The only people I see constantly are Loki and Thor.

Loki doesn't push me on anything and Thor is trying so hard to get me to  smile. I've tried so hard but my face just won't cooperate. I can't get the smile to form on my face. Everything has been very quiet for the few weeks I've been back but I don't think I would want to go on another mission. I haven't told anyone about my strengthened powers or the fact that my skin is so sensitive now. I can barely handle my clothes touching me and I'm so aware of the things on my body that it's making my gender dysphoria so much worse.

"What are you thinking about?" Loki dragged me out of my thoughts with his words.

I looked at him. He's sitting across from me on a neighboring couch," Can't you just read my mind?"

"But that's not fun," Loki said," I also mainly control minds and send messages through them. So what are you thinking about?"

He hadn't even looked up from his book," That I want to strangle you,"

He chuckled," Pleasant."

We left the room in silence after that. The couldn't tell if the lie that fell from my mouth was obvious but Loki doesn't seem to notice. If he does he doesn't let on. I dived myself into another book trying so hard not to think about what was going on in my life. Thor ran through the doors with a huge smile on his face.

"Lady Y/n would you like to have a Harry Potter marathon with me?" Thor asked loudly.

I wanted more than anything to deny his offer but I couldn't. I nodded slowly," those movies always make me feel better."

Thor seemed to beam at my answer," Brother come watch them with us. I'll get the pop tarts."

He was out of the room before Loki could even deny it. Loki looked at me with a quirked eyebrow," Harry Potter?"

"Just watch it with us," I said quietly as I closed my book and went to the door," I won't make you sit next to Thor."

Loki followed me down the hallway into the main room. No one else was in there. I put the movies into the DVD player and Thor came back in with the pop tarts and popcorn. I plopped into the couch and pulled a blanket over me. Loki sat next to me on the couch and I threw him a blanket. Thor smirked at his brother for a second and it disappeared off his face quickly. The movie started and all of our attentions were on the screen.

~Time Skip~

"I don't understand," Loki spoke up through the third movie," why do they use sticks for their magic? That's not logical."

I sighed. The movies weren't really working to make me feel better," It's mere fantasy. No one really knows how magic works here so they just make it up."

Loki nodded and continued watching the movie. I heard noise from down the hallway and Dad and Stephen walked into the room. They both looked surprised to see all three of us in here.

"I'm surprised to see you reindeer games," Dad commented," you barely leave the library. Glad to see you're alive Y/n."

I ignored his comment and stayed focused on the movie. They left the room and I glanced at Loki. He seemed mad but I didn't comment on it. I felt my eyes slowly close as the movies went on. Soon I fell into a deep sleep.

~time skip~

Something brushed up against my arm and I jolted away. Loki backed up away from me with his arms up. Thor wasn't in the room anymore and it looked like the lights in the dining room were on," Love, everyone said it was time for dinner."

I nodded and threw the blanket off me," Thank you for waking me."

I rubbed my arms where his hand had touched. His touch was weirdly nice on my arm instead of incredibly uncomfortable. I pushed the thought from my head as I sat between Thor and Loki. We are having my F/F tonight. I can't even find joy in eating this. What is happening to me? Why do I feel like I'm losing myself?

"Y/n," Dads voice caught my attention and he looked annoyed," Please pay attention."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled as I nibbled at my food," What were you saying?"

"I was saying that starting tomorrow you will pick up your training again," He told me and I tried not to panic," This time with Loki."

"With Loki?" I questioned glancing at Loki who looked just as confused.

Tony nodded," I think he can be trusted enough to train but nothing else."

Loki rolled his eyes," Please. There is nothing to do in this realm anyway."

No one objected what he was saying but everyone went back to their own conversations. I played with the food on my plate suddenly losing my appetite. My mind drifted to the people from when I was in Hydra. Why did I have to do that? I was so weak. I should have taken the pain over killing those people. I shouldn't be here. They should all be alive. My mind drifted farther to the hands of those soldiers and I tried not to wince. I deserved it. I know I did. I looked up at everyone talking at the table and stood up. I said a quiet good night to everyone and left the room. Why doesn't anyone notice the pain I'm in?

A small voice in my head sounded, you don't deserve the help.

I closed the door to my room and laid my head on the door taking a deep breath. Maybe if I just sleep it will make it better. I changed out of my clothes and climbed into my bed. My eyes closed and I saw the images of those people flash through my mind. I forced them out and let my body slip into a fitful night of sleep.

Word Count: 1109