From Day One | JENSOO

Memory Lane

Jisoo is fourteen, Jennie is thirteen

The sun almost seemed blasphemous. It was bright, cheerful, and everyone wished it gone.

It was insufferably hot and the black clothes only made the heat worse. Jennie was lucky she could hide behind the shade of a tree and sympathized with the crowd standing in the thickest heat of the sun. She could hardly see Jisoo but she knew the girl was at the front of the group, Jinyoung and his parents close by as well. It was silent—no cars, no breeze, no talking—so the priest's voice was clear despite the large distance between him and Jennie. Her head bowed low to his words as six handfuls of earth descended into the ground.

"...earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust; in the sure and certain hope of the Resurrection to eternal life."

She joined in saying the ending prayer, the sentences once said out of repetition and memory now taking on a newer meaning.

After a chorus of Amen, the crowd began to dissolve. Some approached Jisoo, some Jinyoung's parents but Jisoo didn't react, her stoic eyes glued to the two deep trenches before her that were beginning to fill with dirt.

Jennie scratched at her shoulder, her black dress's fabric making her itchy and uncomfortable. She was going to burn it when she got home, or trash it, but she wasn't ever going to wear it again.

Soon Jisoo and Jinyoung were the only ones left by the fresh graves. He stuck by her side and spoke to her but she didn't respond and after a few minutes he walked off, leaving Jisoo alone.

There would have been no better time for Jennie to come forward but she couldn't. What would she say? Everything in her head sounded trite and she didn't even know if Jisoo wanted to see her. Her parents had just died and she and Jisoo had stopped speaking months ago; Jennie didn't know if she had any right to try to console Jisoo.

It wasn't fair. They were good people and Jisoo modeled them like a perfect replica; they hadn't deserved to die and Jisoo didn't deserve having to bury her parents as a child. It was supposed to happen in the future, somewhere far down the line after Jisoo had created enough memories with them to hold onto. But now Jisoo wasn't left with much, just a few scarce family dinners and holidays, occasional trips and vacations, all crammed into a neat package. People mourned death even when they lived well into old age, saying it was too short—how must have Jisoo felt when all she had with them was a meager fourteen years.

Jennie grazed the pendent at her neck with a finger, the one Jisoo had given her less than three months ago. She had been wearing it every day so she wouldn't forget Jisoo and pay silent homage to their friendship. But what did it matter? Did she think she was doing some noble service by wearing a necklace? She had deserted Jisoo and now when Jisoo needed her most, Jennie couldn't do anything.

But she had to try.

She stepped down the slanted hill, passing gray tombstones until she was standing next to Jisoo. From this close Jisoo looked like a statue, pale and lifeless.

"Jisoo, I'm so sorry."

Jisoo lifted her head, just enough to bore those vacant eyes into Jennie and Jennie made a small sound in the back of her throat from fright. It was like looking at a ghost.

"You're as dead to me as they are. Your apologies aren't worth anything."

Jennie clenched her teeth and throat, begging not to cry as Jisoo walked away from her. She gasped in a breath and exhaled unsteadily but couldn't hold back the tears.

The crying turned into uncontrollable sobs, her hands trembling as she covered her mouth, wet with tears. She was saying goodbye to too many things at that moment and it crippled her; she wasn't strong, she wasn't like Jisoo.

So she cried for Jisoo. She cried for her, for the untimely death of her parents, for the unfairness of it all. Then she cried for her own loss, because although Jisoo wasn't dead, she might as well have been.