Don't Eat.

I Just Want to be Perfect

"A mirror never lies.
They know.
Everybody knows.
Do you not see what they see?
A mirror never lies.
I see what they see.
Everybody knows.
Everybody knows"

-The Curse of the Virgin Canvas by Alesana

I looked around and sobbed. Blood flowed freely from the wounds in my hands. It hurt like hell but the adrenaline pumping through me distracted me from the pain.

Glass shards surrounded me, reminding me of what I had done- of what I had become.

How long had I lived like this? How long had I been to the point where I would get so angry at what I saw in the mirror that I would smash it using my own hands? Did I really hate myself that much?

After all this time of not eating and trying to make myself perfect, I still didn't accept myself?

I'd be dead soon, I knew I would be. There's no way around it: my heart would soon stop. That's what starving yourself will do to you.

It'll deprive your brain, make it weak. Weak to the point that your body can't work anymore.

And that's what's happening to me right now and it's too late to stop it. I came too far and now it can't be reversed.

You might be wondering how I got this way; became so sick in my head. Well, I'll tell you. It's because of Ana.
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It all started when I was 13.

My drive for perfection, I mean.

I remember looking around me and seeing how skinny everyone was; how perfect they all looked. And then I would look at myself in the mirror and realize that I was nothing like that. I wasn't skinny or pretty. I didn't have good skin or nice hair. I had nothing going for me and I hated that.

So I tried to fix it.

I tried excersing and eating healthy but nothing seemed to work well enough. And then I got desperate.

I wanted perfect and I wanted it fast. But how could I achieve such a far-fetched goal in just a small time frame?

Well, I could start with heavily cutting calories. By 'heavily', I mean restricting myself to 700 calories a day. Little did I know that this would soon be too much and I would find myself on a spiral towards the end of my life.