Between Hello and Goodbye

Chapter 6: Dazed and Confused

Here's some more of Tristan's introspection and the song that reminds that I think fits right now is People Watching by Conan Grey. Enjoy!

Asher Samuels had seemed to become the bane of my existence.

He had become the subject of my innermost thoughts after his introduction in Creative Writing, leaving me reeling from the feelings that were a product of those thoughts. His presence felt like an invasion, disrupting the structured life and mindset I had tried so hard to build, feeling like my life had become shambles at this point. The anxiety of the millions of thoughts that ran through my mind didn't help, closing my eyes for a brief second so I could shoo the thoughts away before my slowly rising panic could set in.

I remember the concerned face of Gage as we had driven home the day before, my will to carry on conversation had escaped me at the time, the worry evident, but he knew better than to press it. Before I had gotten out of his car, he had given me a tight hug reassuring me that whatever plagued my mind would be gone soon enough, but my brain did something I did not expect.
It became a conflicted mess.

My emotions were now a tangled mesh that I felt would never become what they once were. I was so confused on what it meant for me, what it meant when it came to my identity, the one thing that had been swept under the rug for the majority of my life. My sexuality never defined me in the past, it was always something I had put on the back burner to figure out later in life. My focus had always been my academics, the one thing I could control in a definite way, a definite I knew would determine the outcome of my foreseeable future. But now that aspect of my life—my sexuality—was something I couldn't see in my future, mainly because I had no outcome for it, no way of knowing what would happen once I was able to fully define myself.

I was scared.

Scared, because there would be an endless amount of possibilities that lie on the end of the personal journey I had put off for so long. For the first time in my life I felt what could only be described as fear, anxiety and surprisingly frustration, emotions that I had no experience with; emotions that felt unfamiliar. I guess you could say it was possibly going to be the start of many firsts for me, things I knew would leave me uncomfortable until I overcame them. I wasn't ready.

My eyes opened to the sight of Mrs. MacDonnell informing the class of our next classic novel to consume until the end of November—Wuthering Heights. The cover looked ominous, a large manor covered in darkness by an impending storm as a cloaked figure walked up a beaten path towards the mysterious home. Mrs. MacDonnell talked with a twinkle in her eye, describing it as a drama-filled romance novel with the cruel Catherine and the dark and brooding Heathcliff.
"God, Mrs. MacDonnell you look like you're swooning over that book pretty hard" Ulyssa spoke out, "Should we give the both of you some alone time?"

The class erupted in laughter at her outburst, my face remaining impassive at her words, "Ulyssa, once you read this, you'll understand the intense love I have for this book. I wrote my thesis in college over this masterpiece, the gothic style romance was something that won me over when I was young."

Mrs. MacDonnell looked flustered as she explained herself, to my surprise, the word 'gothic' catching my attention. The change in tone from our previous read to what she presented us seemed to intrigue the other students, leaving me and Ulyssa wondering what elements of the novel could have caused the reaction that it did in our teacher.

"What aspect of this novel catches your fancy Mrs. MacDonnell" I spoke without thinking, noticing that everyone looked at me with questioning looks, "I mean, how does this novel differ from the other novels that you have in store for us this year?"