The White in her Black

Chapter 19

For the past 5 months, I had trouble getting sleep. Ngayong nakikita ko siya sa peripheral vision ko, hindi ko alam kung totoo ba ang lahat ng ito o nananaginip ako.

"Huy, Adi!" Pabulong na tawag sa akin ng baklang si Jef.

Lumingon ako sa kanya pero hindi nagsalita.

"Mukhang hinihintay ka ng customer. Isa yata yan sa mga nagtatayo ng mall doon sa bayan. Baka Engineer." He stated.

I looked at Catherine and she was looking at me. She was softly looking at me.

Napalunok ako ng laway at napaiwas agad ng tingin. Hindi ko kayang makipagtitigan sa kanya. Pakiramdam ko malaki ang kasalanan ko kahit na ang totoo, wala naman talaga akong ginagawa.

"Naku tinititigan ka." Baklang bakla na sabi ni Jef sa gilid ko.

I couldn't show him any emotion. I handed him the key for the opening tomorrow. It's my rest day and he would probably open the store around afternoon.

"Mag ingat ka ha? Mukhang may binabalak sa'yo yan." Siniko niya pa ako. "Mauuna na ako, ha?" Ngumiti siya sa akin at yumakap bago umirap kay Catherine at dumiretso sa pila ng Tricycle.

Muli kong dinaanan ng tingin si Catherine bago mag pasyang lumakad paloob ng gubat.

"Wait!" Napahinto ako sa biglaang sigaw niya sa likuran ko. "Let us talk for a minute, please." Malumanay niyang sambit.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at dumiretso ako ng lakad.

"You won't get any information from me. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ginawa 'yon ni Daddy. Hindi ako sigurado sa dahilan ni Mommy at hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa kanya." Dirediretsong saad ko. Hindi ko matiis dahil bawat hakbang ko, may kasunod na lakad niya sa likuran.

She didn't say anything. All she did was to look at me. Stare, actually.

I took that opportunity to continue with my explanation. Hindi na ako nagpatumpik tumpik pa. "Umalis ako sa amin. I wanted to leave everything in Manila. I hate the city. I want to live my life here. Wala akong cellphone, wala akong update sa mga nangyayari. Wala akong perang kinukuha galing sa kanila. Nagtatrabaho ako para magkapera kaya kung nandito ka dahil sa ginawa ni Daddy, wala kang makukuha sa akin." Hinihingal akong huminto dahil sa mga emosyong nagdatingan.

For the past months, I didn't know that I missed Catherine. I didn't know that I missed my Mom. I didn't know that I miss my friends.

"Kung ipipilit mo ang nangyari sa akin, bumalik ka na lang dito kapag may warrant ka na." Mahina kong dagdag. Hindi naman pwedeng habang buhay akong tatakbo. Ang alam ko lang, wala akong kasalanan. Hindi ako dapat habulin dahil wala naman akong kasalanan.

"If you will recover money from my bank account, kuhain mo na lang dahil hindi ko kailangan 'yon. Handa akong ibalik ang hindi naman sa'kin."

For such a long time, I kept everything to myself. I tried living alone... I made myself believe that I can survive.

"What I did for the past months was not living." Mahina kong saad, ready to put my defenses down just so she'd know the truth. "I was trying to survive." I continued. "And if you're here just to blame me for what my family did, I don't have money. I don't have anything." Punong puno ng emosyon ang sinabi kong 'yon.

Catherine, in front of me, was crying. She was looking at me dearly. Her looks was soothing and it seems like she didn't really care about what I mentioned.

"Everybody thought you died..." mahina niyang sambit bago hawakan ang pisngi ko. "I was the only one who didn't believe."

"What?" Naguguluhang sambit ko. "Kailan pa ako namatay?" Naguguluhan kong dagdag.