Underneath it all [Levi Ackerman]

Chapter Thirty Six

The wood on my dresser has a crack towards the bottom. There's the faintest string of spider web on the ceiling. The doorway to my room is just the slightest bit crooked to the left.

All things I've never noticed. Or, at least, taken the time to acknowledge. But now I've given the time of hours on end staring at nothing. I know I can't keep doing this forever. But even then..

"Try to eat," Levi's voice encourages next to me.

Levi.

He hasn't left my side if he can help it. He's taken care of me these past few days where all I can do is sit in the same spot on my bed.

"Later," I reply in hardly a whisper. My voice breaks as it comes out of my dry throat.

"You've barely been eating," he protests.

"What's a few days without eating," I murmur.

"It's been a month," he clarifies.

I blink and my brows pull together slightly. I look over at him, trying to read his expression. Has it really been a month?

Obviously. Why would he lie.

My eyes fall to the ground. So it's been a month since...

The corners of my lips tug down involuntarily and my brows pull together. My throat burns. I swallow the feeling away. How many losses have I endured and carried on from? Yet this one has left me in this state for weeks. It seems unfair. It feels wrong.

"You have," Levi murmurs,  making me realize I must've said something out loud.

I look at him confused.

"In your sleep. You've been crying about everyone you've lost. Even for our current squad. They're ok, but you've been crying about them too," he explains gently.

My heart tugs at the thought of our squad. I'm glad to hear they're ok, I don't know what I'd do if something happened to them too.

The memory of my prior squad torn all over the place comes to mind and my body trembles in response.

Levi instantly pulls me closer to him, and when I look at him I notice the concern in his eyes. I don't like the way he looks at me, like I'm about to break at any second. My eyes trail away to the floor as I try to remember the past month.

It's all a blur. I'd never think it's a month's worth of blurs and blanks to try to fill though. It feels like the mission wasn't more than a week ago. I've relived what happened that day so many times I don't think I can ever forget it even if I tried. Every single person's death that I've witnessed has also been coming to mind with such crisp detail it seems like they were all recent.

Levi's thumb brushing against my cheek brings me out of my thoughts and I realize he's wiping away tears I didn't even notice were falling. "Do you want a blanket?" he asks, making me notice how much I'm trembling.

What is wrong with me?

I shake my head and pull away from his hold to wipe my eyes. Is crying this tiring for everyone?

I rub my eyes to try and make the tears stop but the first thing I see is the memory of Erwin's dead body. My jaw clenches in effort to dismiss the thought. Despite my efforts, silent tears continue to pour out of my closed eyes and onto Levi's chest.

Up until that day I hadn't cried for years. I swore I wouldn't shed a single tear as long as I was alive and living on the surface. I had done well enough keeping that promise until now.

Why did I ever even make that promise to myself? Is my desire for happiness so fragile that I can't even handle allowing myself to express despair even in times like this?