Free Falls and Second Chances

Chapter 5: Taking a Step Back

I smiled sadly to myself as I stared at the ceiling, still lost in thoughts. Remembering him like this always felt like the first time, all these years.

Napabuntong-hininga ako at nagpasyang magtungo sa kusina at magtimpla ng gatas. Mag-aalas kwatro na din and I haven't had a single wink of sleep yet.

Naupo ako sa may terrace, with a warm glass of milk in one hand and a cigarette on the other. The city lights seemed to be fewer now, given na madaling-araw na at iilan na lamang ang mga sasakyang dumadaan sa highways. A gust of wind caressed my face, and once again, I was jolted back to a memory of a hand that used to caress my face the same way-- with such gentleness, as if it was a fragile piece of china in his hands.

Gio. Gio. Gio.

Tangina.

I stared blankly at the horizon as I allowed myself to be immersed in his beautiful memory.

I remember every vivid detail about him. From the way he'd brush his hair away from his face to the way he lights up his cigarette.

I remember chill nights together when we'd talk about how his day went and almost everything we could ever think of. Salitan kaming iinom ng beer from the same mug-- the white ceramic mug I also usually drink my morning coffee from, patterned with tiny diamond shapes. He never bothered about the red lipstick stain my lips would leave on the mug's surface, and I still remember how his adam's apple would move as he chugged down his drink, often unconsciously eliciting sexy thoughts in my alcohol-dazed system.

I remember how he'd pull me close pag nag-iinom kami with my friends. He was a man of few words, but he got along with them well. Susuklayin nya yung buhok ko gamit ang mga daliri niya habang nakikitawa sa mga kalokohang pinagkukwento ng mga kaibigan ko.

I remember how he used to walk me home the very first night we got drunk-- the way he offered to carry my slingbag and held my hand as we walked home sneaking out of the main highway kasi nga curfew hours na at that time. Every once in a while, his arms would keep me steady whenever I felt like losing my balance. Walking the empty streets sa dis-oras ng gabi would have been dangerous kung mag-isa lang ako, but at that time, I never felt safer knowing he was there with me.

I remember how he would tuck the strands of hair that fell onto my face behind my ear, his warm fingers brushing my cheeks as he did so, as well as the way he used to plant light butterfly kisses on my forehead.

Forehead kisses. Soft, loving kisses that always turned into passionate ones. The way he tasted. The way he looked into my eyes like I was the most beautiful woman he had ever laid his eyes on.

I never told him about how those kisses made my heart skip a beat, or how the simplicity of it calmed down my anxieties, kasi kahit sobrang dami na naming napag-uusapan, para bang lagi kaming umiiwas sa emosyonal na parte ng conversation.

And maybe that was where we went wrong. I dunno.

He gave me his number, written on the back of the receipt, nung second time na bumalik ako dun sa cafe with some of my girl friends. Naikwento ko sa kanila na may crush ako sa cafe na yun and as expected, inulan ako ng di matapos-tapos na pang-aasar. I also found out na nagtatrabaho din pala doon yung isa sa mga college friends ko, and he was the one who asked for Gio's number. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako nahirapang lumunok ng pagkain noon sa sobrang kaba at awkwardness. It took me almost an hour to finish a dish that could have taken me 15 minutes to gobble down. Literally.

A simple "hey" that I managed to send after an hour or two of hesitation led to a continuous exchange of communication between the two of us. At that time, I almost totally forgot about the mess I was in as I felt nothing but happiness everytime katext or ka-chat ko sya. Hindi ko namalayan na tuluyan na palang nahuhulog ang loob ko sa kanya, and that's when I felt scared.

Scared to push forward with what was between us, kasi technically, I was still taken. Trev and I didn't part ways yet, kahit kasal na siya. Trev badly wanted me to stay, telling me that we would somehow figure a way out of this, but I was doubtful. I, on the other hand, found myself in a state of emotional confusion. Hindi ko na mawari kung mahal ko pa nga ba talaga si Trev, o kung naaawa na lang ako. I surely couldn't leave him in the midst of his own despair, but I couldn't let myself drown in my despair either. And at that point, there was hardly any sign of hope between the two of us.

Hindi ko alam kung masyado lang ba akong nadarang sa saya kasama si Gio o kung lumalalim na ba talaga yung nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.  Sweet kami, but sweetness is temporary, and I needed something solid to hold on to.

Isa pa, hindi ko pa nakwento kay Gio ang totoong sitwasyon ko. Natatakot ako. Natakot akong mahusgahan. Natakot akong mawala siya ng tuluyan. I was torn between losing the guy I found happiness in after a year-long period of toxicity and betraying the promise I made to the man I loved dearly. The uncertainty haunted me every single night, I just wanted to run away from it even for a while.

So, hard as it was for me, I stopped talking to Gio out of the blue and took a plane home for a vacation. To escape the uncertainties that were bound to catch up with me sooner or later.