I went straight home with a heavy heart. Tears keeps on falling and I'm just grateful that I was able to drive safely with my blurry vision. Ethan? I saw him in the parking lot. He watched me leave.
I closed the door as soon as I got inside the house. My whole body is trembling. Everything feels surreal. I can't believe that I did that... that it's not a dream... that it actually happened. But what's bothering me the most is I don't know how to feel.
There are so many emotions that I feel like my head and heart are going to explode. I'm confused to where should I dwell myself... I'm in pain... so much pain... but somehow, I feel relieved. It felt like I've pulled out the thorn that keeps on holding me back... that keeps on giving me hope, so, I cannot move forward.
"Tatiana, let's talk."
My heart races when I heard a successive loud knock in my door. It's Ethan. I'm too tired to get up. I'm too overwhelmed by all the emotions that I'm feeling. So, I didn't respond and just closed my eyes tightly - trying my best to ignore him and pretend that I'm not home.
"I know you are inside, Cleo Tatiana. Open this door!" He knocked again.
I sighed. I don't have a plan to avoid him. I even asked him to say friends with me despite the rejection, right? But, then, it just happened less than an hour ago. It's draining... and I'm a messed right now. How could I possibly act confidently in front of him if he'll see me in this state? What I did earlier is enough... I don't want to look pitiful after I left him confidently.
"I'm tired, Ethan, can't we just talk tomorrow?" I wanted to shout so he could here from where I was, but my voice came out as a whisper instead. I held my face with my both hands because of too much frustration.
"Should I force myself in so you'll face me? We both know that I'm not going inside because I chose not to, Tatiana. Let's talk. I'm running out of patience."
I could sense the seriousness in his voice, so, even with my weak knees, I got up and walked towards the door. I have no choice. He has a spare key. I took a deep sigh to prepare myself, and then I made sure that I looked fine - that there are no traces of tears in my face - before I opened the door.
"Tatiana -"
Even with a heavy heart, I forced a wide smile to greet him. I only opened the door lightly, so, I could keep our distance. I don't think I can face him closely. The wall that I'm trying to build might collapsed if I won't do that... the least that I want to happen right now is to breakdown and cry in front of him.
"What took you so long? Goodness!" He seems frustrated.
It's hard to keep a wide smile when it's force, so, it's slowly fading the longer I stand in front of him.
"I'm really tired, Ethan. If it's not important, can't we just talk tomorrow?" I tried to sound cheerful but I failed.
My heart aches when I noticed the restlessness in his eyes. Maybe he's bothered because of my confession.
"Are you pulling a prank on me?" His voice is filled with anger as he asked that question.
I smiled sadly. "So, you can't still believe it..." I stated. My eyes are starting to water again. "It's the feelings that I kept for almost a decade, Ethan. It's not something that I can use to joke around."
Silence filled the spaces between us.
"Is that all?" I asked after a moment of silence and still got a no response from him.
He stared at me intently. It's as if he's trying to assess is I'm telling the truth. I shook my head. Does my puffy eyes are still not enough?
"If that's your sole purpose for coming here, can I rest now?" My voice is gentle but I heard it broke before I could finish the sentence. "I'm really tired."
