[C] 12th October

🕊.⋆｡⋆༶⋆˙⊹

Jack, I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I write this to let you know (one day) that I have never forgotten you. I never really do. I don't know how to contact you honestly. I don't know how to connect us back again. Like the old times. I will never stop hoping. I always have the slightest hope that you'll come back, saying you are fine and not wanting to kill yourself anymore. And that you are healing and wanting to live longer, that you are getting the treatment and therapies you deserve. And that so much people (aside from me) are giving you lots and lots of affection...and memes :) I promise you, you're going to see the rainbow soon. I just want you to be happy in life because you are the sweetest person, mahal ko.

Suggested music :
1. Let Go - BTS
2. Arcade - Duncan Laurence
3. Love the Way You Lie pt. II - Rihanna
4. Stereo Hearts - Gym Class Heroes
5. Binibini [Last Day On Earth] - Zack Tabudlo
6. Enchanted - Taylor Swift

-----

I don't wanna mention how much we have talked together. We literally texted everyday. He and I shared same favourite ice cream flavours which are cookies & cream and mint chocolate. However, I personally like cappuccino ice cream and he liked avocado ice cream. I wish I could try avocado ice cream one day. Do we even have it in Malaysia? :/

There was a night, I was already asleep. And he was supposedly asleep too. But, he texted me saying he could not stop crying. I felt bad because I was not there right when he texted me.

"What happened?" I asked, as soon as I woke up next morning.

"I was browsing my google-mail and found videos and pictures of me when I was 16. I looked way happier than I am now. I feel so shitty about my life now. I feel like dying soon"

I had an attack of emotional feelings reading his text. I could not help but to get teary whenever he mentioned or talked about his struggle in life. It felt like, painful, to watch him like that. It saddened me.

"Do you have any dream in life? You know, things you wished you have or achieve" I continued asking. There must be a dream he wanted to achieve or sumn.

"I don't even know. When I was younger, I wanted to be a musician, a rockstar. It's dumb. But we were too poor to buy a guitar at the moment"

"No, thats not dumb! It's so cool! Trust me. I mean, look at you. You play guitar now and some other instruments. You can draw very well and I am sure you will be able to achieve your dream in the future. Please, hang in there"

I am not sure if he felt it how I meant it in the text. But I really tried to deliver some positive energy and the strength of hope to him at the moment. I never really meant something I sent to some people but this, he is one of the people I meant every sweet and reassuring things I have said to them.

He also once told me that he found my awkwardness cute. I am a cheerful and bright person to him.

"I am a very negative person, y'know. I have been feeding off on your positivity once I knew you. I can say I am happy this few days. Thanks to you"

I was surprised, of course, 'cause no one really found my awkwardness cute. He also thought that I was a complete mess, but the cute mess. Didn't he realize that he is a cute mess too? At some points, we were just similar to each other despite those differences. Maybe we are another version of each other. Perhaps that was why we fit well together and kinda completed each other. We understood each other very well. I don't know if I will meet someone who could understand me this well or not in the future ;)