I Miss You Like An Addict | On Hold

Chapter 5

Dear You,

I know I said that I'll only write about my progress from now on but yeah, I had a relapse, happens to the best of us.

I was actually in a good place you know, on the first day of the community meeting I heard a lot of stories, different stories that somehow ended up the same; depression.

It made me realize that I wasn't the only one that has problems, that people are out there looking to better themselves for good.

But sometimes it don't work like that, sometimes you end up worst than how you went in and maybe it's not the persons fault maybe they just can't let go.

As I was saying yeah I relapse, being around so much people talking about so much reminded me of how lonely I was, of how lonely we all are.

And I'm tired of thinking that I deserve to be be lonely, that I did something wrong somewhere somehow and this is my punishment.

I've been on my own for way to long now I need to remember what it feels like to love again, to feel something else than just anxiety. My heart feels empty and it reminds me of how heartbroken I actually am and it hurts.

Sometimes I pretend that my parents know what I'm going through because when I see them, I smile, I try to make the smile reach my eyes so they won't see my pain behind it. I try to talk so they won't see the need in me to isolate myself.

I pretend that my classmates know the pain, the same pain behind their smiling faces or their angry faces. Their anguish is locked behind close doors.

I'm tired of portraying a face I want people to see. I need to stop hiding my pain better yet there shouldn't even be pain I want to hide.

Pain is such a familiar word for me nowadays. Depression, anxiety all of that negative emotions.

Sometimes I wonder if-

Here I go, straying from the point, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. Anyways, this is hard for me, I need to take a breath and start over.

Nic