Trusted

"Wait... what?"

Lucas blushes. "Yeah. I'm not gay... well kind of, I'm toric. I still like boys. And... I like you."

I can't take this amount information at once. After a minute, my brain finishes processing what I just heard. I decide to take this chance.

"Will you go out with me?"

They hide their face in their hands, but I can see the tips of their ears turning red. "Yes..." They whisper softly.

"Also, what pronouns do you use?" I ask. I'm not sure how to say this question but I need to know.

"He/they. I prefer he, because pronouns are just words so who really cares." He replies.

"I like he/him" I mutter. They look up.

"Cool."

I blush, probably a tomato red again.

And then they kiss me. And you know what? I thought I'd hate kissing anyone, even if it was my future partner who I was in love with or something. But no, I like this. Not even that. I love it.

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I check my phone. 2:36am, UGH, I should really go to bed. But I can't sleep, thinking about how a couple hours ago, I kissed him. I kissed Lucas. But how do they like me?

I thought he only liked boys. Well, I am a boy, but... I don't know. I thought he liked cis boys. 

No matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about them. Their smile. The way his hair just flops in his face from time to time, and how he runs his fingers through it and- 

I grab Between Perfect & Real from under my pillow. I need a distraction, and badly. Yes, I've been reading it every night since I knew, which hasn't been long. But still, I like feeling represented. And I'm still getting used to not trying to convince myself that I'm a girl all the time. Like how I really want to cut my hair, and I used to say that I was a tomboy and just wanted my hair short. And how I HATED dolls and dresses and anything remotely feminine, because it reminded me of what I thought I'd always be. Turns out I don't always have to live like that. For once, I don't feel alone.

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"Hey bestie!" Kay's voice comes in waves beside me. I jump. I'm so paranoid about everything, damn it. "How's my favorite girlboss doing?" I wince. Girl. How much longer until I can live peacefully as the boy I was meant to be? I don't know if I can keep this a secret much longer.

I don't respond, but she's too busy thinking about food. We have to wait until 1:00 to eat, so everyone is always ravenous once it's time for lunch and free period.

"What's for lunch?" She asks absentmindedly.

"Dunno. Probably hash browns again." Don't get me wrong, hash browns are good. But, even at a preppy school like ours, we still have shitty school lunch food. The best we might get is sloppy Joe's or 3 day old pizza with plastic still on the cheese. I don't have time to make my own lunch, so I just get school lunch. Food is food, and it's not my main priority right now.

Just then, someone grabs my shoulders and almost pulls me to the ground. I spin around to see who I have to punch, but it's just Allie. Of course it's Allie, because she's never sad. She just doesn't get sad, you know?

"Holy shit Allie, what was that for?" I say, in the best obviously-fake angry voice I can muster. 

"Girl, calm down, you're fine. That was nothing, but I can do it again if you want!" She grabs my shoulders again, this time gently.

I'd usually laugh and shrug it off. But... girl again. I force a smile, as usual. Lucas and I, no joke, practiced fake-smiling together the other day. Mostly for when someone misgenders us and we have to play it cool. Even though they're not trans in the way that I am, it's really nice having a friend who isn't cis and understands, somewhat. He at least understands the feeling of being misgendered and stereotyped, like, all the time. 

I love that I found someone who knows and doesn't care. Better yet, they understand. And right now, it feels like no one understands. And it's true.

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BRINGGGGGG

And that's the bell. Time for choir, my new favorite class.

I know I hate singing, and I know that I don't really get to talk to Lucas at all during class, but... I don't know. I get to look at them, and sometimes he sneaks glances at me. Which they do. Often.

The pep rally is coming up soon, and luckily we're almost finished reciting this stupid song. I swear Ode To Joy will be stuck in my head for the rest of my life. I blame Mr. Lumao.

To calm down, I look at Lucas. He's looking back at me, which makes my heart flutter. That always happens, but no one knows, so it's fine. Not like Lucas will tell anyone, they're pretty introverted anyway.

Does Lucas feel the same way I do? No, okay. Save these thoughts for the shower. The only place where I can have real, intellectual conversations... with myself. I need therapy.

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The cold water always calms me down. Visha says I'm weird for taking cold showers, but warm water makes me fall asleep. And makes me think of the time some kid peed in the community pool and made the water really warm. But we don't talk about that.

I think about my thought from earlier. Does Lucas think about me the way I think about them? Probably not. Maybe. He's technically the one that said that they liked me first, and the one that took my hands in theirs, and the one that lent me that book about a trans guy. Yeah, I think they do.

You know, he's not too bad himself.