Trusted

"Sure Mom!"

Usually I'd be upset at having to entertain Aurora, but after what happened with Visha, I need a break. Like, a long break. A forever break.

I just lost my best friend, and I have no one else. Well technically, I have Allie, Kendra, Sally, and Nicole (kind of), but they're not the same. They're my friends, and I care about them, but I can't tell them much. Nothing against them, but they're not the same as Visha. Telling them is like telling my mom a secret. Aka, they'd judge me or ignore my worries.

But Visha always cared, or at least I think she did. She'd usually accept me, but her parents are really homophobic and transphobic. I knew it had rubbed off on her, but... I don't know, I thought she'd make an exception for me. Because, like, we were besties. Or, at least I thought we were.

Guess not.

"Mikeeeeeeey! Can you bring the blankets over here?" Aurora says to me, a little louder than I know Mom would like.

"Sure Rora" I respond, grabbing the sheets. I think she likes her new fort building kit a little too much. Aurora is definitely the straightforward type. I half-expected her to have already built the fort already, but she didn't, and I'm glad. Finally, someone doesn't care who I am, they just want me around for me.

Aurora giggles at nothing, like usual. "Can we build the one on the box?"

I laugh, not meaning to. "Again?" I tease.

"Nooooooo..." She's laughing hysterically now. Aurora can be really annoying, but my god, I love her. Best little sister ever.

"Alright, I'll work on the back this time. You do the front, okie?"

"Okie!" She responds cheerfully.

Fort building is surprisingly calming. Like, you know it's not gonna look good. But, I guess, it's the inside that matters. Visha needs to learn that, I think. Mikey, come on, push that out your mind, PLEASE. Aurora needs you happy right now. Mom and Dad can't see you crying. Be happy. Smile. Fake that you're okay, that everything's okay. Like you always do.

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"Rora, wanna do the honors of putting down the VERY LAST PIECE of this SPECTACULAR fort?" I say dramatically, like I'm advertising a luxury car on Game Show TV.

She smiles. Her smile reminds me of Lucas. God, that sounds like incest, I think. Shit, not like that! I have a boyfriend that I'm not related to! Wait, is he my boyfriend? Are we together? Wh- save it for midnight thoughts, Mikey!

Anyways...

"YEAH!!" Aurora yells.

"Girls, be quieter in there!" I hear Mom yell from the office. Ouch. I feel like all my happiness just got punched out of me. Is this dysphoria? Whatever. I'm a boy, and I know that. Come on Mikey, move on. But that doesn't work.

I plaster on a definitely fake but convincing smile and throw the sheets over the fort. It'll be comfy and fine and safe and happy in the fort, I silently tell myself.

"I can stand up, Mikey! Look!"

I snort. "Yes Rora, I see." 

Climbing into the fort, I see she's already done some decorating. There's a couch (consisting of a pillow and stuffed rabbit), 2 beds (one for each of us, made of thick blankets and small blue pillows), and a kitchen (a plate of cheese, crackers, and bottles of water).

"Lunch!" Aurora says enthusiastically. 

I laugh, this time genuinely. "We need more than this for lunch. You stay here and uh- I don't know, finish decorating or something. I'll get us some more food!" She nods and I open the floppy door made of a pink and purple sheet, taped together for 'privacy'.

I grab some tomatoes and oranges from the fridge.

"Healthy." My mom says, startling me. God, do I ever let my guard down? Visha used to say I didn- focus, Mikey! Ugh. I wonder what school's gonna be like, having the gossip girl as my ex-best friend. And the only one that knows. 

"Um, yeah, I guess so." She doesn't respond, so I sneak a few cookies and lollipops. She eyes me suspiciously, but says nothing. I silently cheer in my mind. Yeah, this might mean nothing, but I'm so scared around my mom recently. I don't know, I feel like she knows something I don't. Or really, I'm scared that I know something she doesn't.

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I wipe tears away from my eyes. My clock reads 12:01am. I don't have time for weird, life-changing midnight thoughts right now. I just need to cry and cry and cry the pain away. It feels stupid, crying over dysphoria. But it's not my fault.

My chest isn't that big, but I wish it was flatter. My voice sounds like that of a 4 year old girl begging her mom to buy her a new toy. I know everyone has hips, but mine feel ten times more noticeable when I look in a mirror. I can't escape it, everything about me feels so feminine and I just want to look the opposite. I swear, I've listened to the tiktok sound "I wish I were a boy" so many times. The worst part? I feel the exact same.

I know I have to go to bed, I know I have school tomorrow. But from experience, crying at midnight makes everything better during the day. Sure, I'll be tired, but at least it'll all be out. All out on my pillow, the stain of who I wish I was.

One time I did actually cry in the bathroom at school (due to dysphoria), and Visha comforted me. I had blamed it on my period, but that just made me feel worse, thinking about how that's something I've been told only girls get. I sigh and calm down. Does this ever get better?

(This is dedicated to all my fellow shadow gremlins dealing with gender dysphoria rn, wishing you luck and I feel your pain. Love yall, you're valid!)