Last night, at about 10, I couldn't get you off of my mind. I couldn't put my finger on why exactly I just couldn't. And it wasn't just one specific moment in time or something you had said previously... it was literally just... your name. It was in my head. And I couldn't get it out. I tried distracting myself with a new show to focus on or just doing my nails but I straight up could not shake you.
Towards midnight I was wondering if you even bother to read these? Am I important enough for you to even bother? Important enough to you... that is.
By about 2 am I fell asleep last night, but of course before I could even sleep my thoughts were racing so much I couldn't even catch one.
When I went to sleep it was no different. Whatever was happening everything was racing around me, colorful.... But it was beautiful...I looked around and the ground was just black... and I could see my reflection on it up to my about upper thigh maybe hips. It's what you could expect from a movie scene, honestly. I could feel as if you were there but I didn't see you. As I continued gazing at the colors flying by I caught that some were memories of us... slight glimpses. The rest were ideals... things that I've wanted or talked to you about, all the good and the bad... I caught only small phrases or snippets of a word... then finally it stopped... and I was watching us in the Jeep... holding hands and just joking around and talking like old times. In my dream, I was tearing up. I sniffled and put my hand on the screen... and though those times are more difficult, you made them seem so simple. And I mean that in the best way. Loving you, was as easy as breathing. It still is, but... we were together then. And now it's well... you can see for yourself. We're living it. I looked down in my lap I'm the clip and then looked at you the sun was getting towards golden hour so it caught your eyes and made it show their true color... the best way I can describe it is maybe a shade or so darker than honey brown... man I could stare at your eyes for hours... they were so full of... love and care and with one glance at them I could always tell what you were thinking. But damn.... I miss your eyes... I know I used to talk about your hair a lot in high school and say how much I loved it but my favorite thing about you will always...always... be your eyes. When we would argue I would always avoid looking at them and I know that. I do. But honestly after being with you for 6 months... It wasn't because I was ever afraid. It's because if I was upset and I looked at your eyes... it would melt away. All our arguments were so minuscule... they never were about anything major until the end... but I was stubborn... dumb even. Your eyes... they would take away any frustration. I was always confident we could come back from anything. And then I remember our... rule of sorts because I was always so stubborn about arguments and I guess you figured out if I laugh I can't stay mad... so you kind of started the "if I make laugh... you can't stay mad" thing and that's where we started getting everything resolved so quickly.
Then my mind drifted to the point where I would wake up... where I didn't know it but I wasn't ready to reminisce on this memory. Our final goodbye in person. I saw us on the path holding hands... walking back to the house... when we got to where I would be going to my house and you'd head toward the road... we stopped and looked at each other... you said "I'll Skype you when I get home... alright? It'll be okay... we'll figure this out." We kissed... the moment was bittersweet and I watched you walk away and when you took about 4 or 5 steps, I woke up and I had tears on my face. It was about 4-430 am. I lifted my head and wiped my face looked at my phone for the time then I laid on my back... and just stared at the ceiling until I fell into a sleep that was pitch black. No dreams whatsoever.
Today I've been trying to figure out why I would dream like I did last night... and honestly I am not sure why... maybe I'll figure it out... maybe I won't.
Love always,
Jessica
YOU ARE READING
Love always, Jessica
Non-FictionThis is all I didn't say but wrote down in my journal/notebook. I wish I could have said this to you, Miguel, but I was too scared. I was scared you'd leave, and well... I lost you somehow anyways... I love you.
